The Last Friday

I've tried not to write very much about this but if you're a person who talks to me on a fairly regular basis then you've heard what I'm about to write.

For the last six months Branden has worked the 3PM to midnight shift. Since I work mostly morning shifts this has limited the amount of time we have been able to spend together. Since I'm usually off work on Sunday, I've been able to stay up late Saturday nights to see him after he gets off work. I've been able to see him for a few hours on Sunday before he leaves for work. If I was closing on Tuesday- I usually do- then I could stay awake and see him for about half an hour Monday night and would stay up again Tuesday night since I was off work on Wednesday. He was also off work on Wednesday so I'd see him all day and again after I got off work on Thursday.

And then there was Friday, the worst day of the week. Almost every Friday morning for the last six months has found me fully dressed, ready to walk out the door, but sitting on the edge of the bed dragging out my good-bye to Branden... A good-bye he almost never remembers. If there's a morning that I'm going to steal a few extra kisses, it's Friday. If there's a morning that I'm going to hug his sleeping body longer, it's Friday. If there's a morning that I'm going to try to get a real response from him, it's Friday. And what's so different about Friday? It's the one day during the week that I know the only time I'll spend with Branden is the morning good-bye. I won't lie to you, I'm pathetic. More than once I have cried on my way to work on a Friday morning.

I am fully aware of the fact that there are women out there who have military husbands gone for many months at a time. My dad worked international business for much of my young childhood and he and my mom would go weeks without seeing each other and didn't even get to talk every day. I will tell you now, those other women are stronger than I am. I don't know how they do it but they deserve a giant hug for figuring it out. Branden is my best friend and, aside from coworkers, he's the only person I see on a regular basis... And I'm a pathetic, lonely mess without him.

But Fridays won't be bad days anymore! Branden's shift is changing at the beginning of next week. He'll work noon to 9 PM and his days off will be Friday and Sunday. We'll still get a day off together most of the time and I will see him EVERY NIGHT! This is the last Friday that I'll spend the entire evening alone. :)

Summer Is Pretty Much Here

The heat and humidity have officially come to stay. We turned on our air conditioning for the first time a couple weeks ago, but these last two days have been the first that we've kept it on day and night. Our apartment is an oasis of cool but the moment we walk out the door we feel the heat.

I've been driving Branden's car and he's driving mine- there's a reason for this but it's a long story I may tell after things are figured out. His car has air conditioning but mine doesn't. I feel a little guilty about this. Next week his schedule changes, though, so he won't be driving in the worst heat of the day anymore. If things get sorted out, he'll be back to driving his car in a little while. To tell the truth, I kinda miss my little car, even if it doesn't have a/c. His car is a 1998 Crown Victoria... A boat in comparison to my tiny Nissan.

I love the green of St. Louis but I don't love the humidity. Oh, well, I am here so I may as well make the best of it. I'm looking forward to all the fun summer things we'll do and may even manage to post more blogs with pictures. Speaking of which, I need to post some of our trip to Grant's Farm... Maybe tomorrow. :P

A Bad Position For Branden

I want to share this both so you can know what a great guy Branden is and so I can remember this moment in the future.

A week or so ago we were in the car with the windows down when I caught a glimpse of myself in the side mirror. My hair was sticking out all over and I was smiling my double chin smile. I immediately began thinking bad things about myself. And then I began SAYING bad things about myself. Something along the lines of, "Holy Cow! I look terrible! I bet people see us on the street and wonder why you're with ME. I'm messy and chubby." That sort of thing.

After listening to me for a little while Branden said to me, "You're putting me in a bad position."

"What?"

"You're putting me in a bad position."

"How so?"

"You're saying bad things about the woman I'm going to marry. I would normally punch somebody who was saying bad things about the woman I'm going to marry but you ARE the woman I'm going to marry and I won't punch you. So you've put me in a bad position."

Never before had I thought of it that way. I'm accustomed to making little jokes or depreciatory comments about my weight and appearance but every time I do I'm saying something bad about the woman that Branden loves. He's right, I am putting him in a bad position. Not only am I insulting her, I'm making the woman he loves feel less of herself every time I do it. It's time to stop. I can't promise perfection, but for his sake and her's I'm going to try.

He loves me and wants me to be happy. It's the very least I can do.

Chocolate Milk for Me! :)

I am lactose sensitive. Not exactly intolerant, since I can eat cheese without many problems and ice cream in moderation and I eat a yogurt for breakfast nearly every day. However, I cannot drink milk... AT ALL! Even a couple ounces makes me horrendously ill and, believe me, you don't want to be around me at such times. My mom once made me hot chocolate with milk in it... BAD! I was sick most of the rest of the day and part of the next.

Unfortunately, I look at soy milk and see how much more it costs than regular milk and I can't bring myself to buy it. The soy milk at CostCo is reasonably priced but I only want it for drinking and they only had the plain stuff- Gross!- until the last time we were there. The CostCo near my house now carries cases of chocolate Silk milk-boxes! :) Now I can pop one of these cute little boxes in my refrigerator and have chocolate milk when I crave it. I honestly cannot tell you how long I've been wanting chocolate milk but making excuses not to buy it because of the price... At least since Christmas. Even better, my CostCo coupons include one for $3 off a case of chocolate Silk! Hooray! Getting more calcium just got easier. :)

Invitation Photos

Branden and I took our invitation photos yesterday. Part of me wants them to be a surprise BUT a bigger part of me wants to tell you about them. :)

As before stated, I'm really not photogenic. Posed pictures just don't work well for me. Aside from that fact, we are too poor to hire a professional photographer. But, honestly, there's an even bigger reason we went for the pictures we did. See, there are maybe three dozen pictures of Branden and I that have been taken in the nearly three years we've been together. Of those pictures, at least 2/3 have been taken in photo booths. So...

Yesterday we went to an old fashioned photo booth that we know of and spent 2 hours and took 80 pictures. At first all I could see was how dumb I looked in all the pictures but then I started having fun. We started laughing and the smiles got real and, even though I'm still not photogenic, the pictures improved. Now I can't wait to send out our photoshopped-together strips of pictures to invite everyone to our very special, very Amber-and-Branden celebration... Which reminds me that I'm going to need some addresses pretty soon. :)

May Is Passing Too Fast Already!

Just a super quick blog to let you know I'm still alive:

We got Branden's new laptop. He LOVES it! The screen is bigger, the graphics are better and it's faster than his old one.... Which is working out just fine for me as this screen is bigger, the graphics are better and it's faster than MY old one. Upgrades all around, HUZZAH!

I lost another 5 lb and celebrated by making cheesecake. Ok, that's not really how it went. I baked a half-chocolate/half-vanilla/semi-marbled cheesecake for a cookout we were going to attend that didn't end up happening. THEN I found out that I'd lost another 5 lb (my work pants are getting really loose!) and decided to go ahead and eat a slice of cheesecake anyway. I've explained to many people, I'm not on a diet, I've just made a couple of diet changes. I still allow myself to have sweets but I pay attention to serving sizes and give Branden the big slice of cheesecake. (Still wishing he'd gain an ounce or two of straight-up, 100% fat.)

We went back to City Museum with my new camera and played in a part we've never played in before. I also discovered the river otters and kinkajou in the aquarium. Pictures will follow.

Chantelle is being super helpful with wedding stuff and I am hoping to have more info VERY soon. We attempted to set our invitation plans in motion but things didn't quite work out. We'll try again next week (I don't have another day off of work until Wed the 12th) and maybe this time it'll work.

That's about it for now!

Broken

I knew it was going to happen, but it's still frustrating now that it has: My laptop is dead. :(

Most of the things on there are also on our file server- yep, we've got our very own little network thanks to Branden and his impressive computer knowledge- so I won't be losing pictures or anything like that. On the other hand, all the links that I'd bookmarked for wedding ideas are gone. Not to mention the fact that I've lost a lot of other links to things like recipes and interesting websites. Branden thinks he may be able to get something off the hard drive so maybe I haven't lost it all.

Branden has wanted a laptop for a long time but we've been putting it off. Now mine is broken and... I know it's a luxury to have two computers but we're accustomed to having two. So instead of giving Branden the gift that I've been planning on buying him, I'm going to give him the money that I would have spent and he'll use some of his tax return to buy himself a new laptop and I'll take this one. His new laptop won't be the best one in the world but it'll be faster than this one. And this one is faster than my old one so we're both upgrading. :) I don't really need a fast computer for the things I do. I'll just be happy to be able to watch a video without it freezing up half-way through.

It's My Birthday

Maybe tomorrow I'll write about feelings and thoughts... Maybe. Today I just wanna write that my birthday has been both rough and great.

Branden got me a digital camera so there's a chance that there will be more pictures posted on my blog in the future. Don't expect anything amazing but... You know, everyday pictures. We've been talking about getting a lighter camera powered by batteries instead of a battery pack but I really wasn't expecting one for my birthday. I've sort of had cameras in the past. My first was just a point and shoot 35mm. It sucked! I bought a digital camera years ago but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get pictures onto the computer so I gave up on it. I'm excited for a new start with a new camera and the help of my amazing fiance when I can't figure things out on my own.

I'm not photogenic, I never have been. Branden IS photogenic but, ironically, he's always the one taking pictures. I'm looking forward to taking some pictures of him for a change. :)

Too Much of a Good Thing

When I decided to attempt to make healthy life changes, I thought I'd focus on trying to get more calcium- everyone needs calcium- and more fiber. Fiber helps lower bad cholesterol and helps you to feel full longer. I thought it would be hard to get enough fiber... Turns out I was wrong.

Here are some of the foods I've been eating:
Fiber One Bars- 35% of my DV of fiber per bar
Baby Carrots- 8% per serving (I eat at least two servings a day)
Flat Out Multi-Grain Wraps with Fiber and Omega 3- 31% per wrap
Roasted Red Pepper Hummus- 12% per 2 Tbs
Triscuits- 12% per serving
Bagel Thins- 16% per bagel
Low Fat Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream Bars- 20% per bar
Green Bell Peppers- 5% per approx 1/2 c
Steamed Broccoli- 10% per 1/2 c
Romaine Lettuce- 3% per 1/2 c

Now, I don't eat every one of these every day but I do eat many of them each day. For instance, a Fiber One bar is part of my breakfast at least five days a week. I eat carrots every day and go through at least two 16oz bags each week. I either eat a bagel thin or a wrap for lunch and I always include green bell peppers and some lettuce with hummus as a spread. If I use the wraps for dinner instead of lunch, say to make burritos, I always have two. It adds up fast... A little too fast. If you assume that I ate everything except the broccoli and the bagel thin and only had one wrap then I got about 134% of my fiber for one day. Is it any wonder that I was sick to my stomach yesterday?... Not in the gross way, just in the crampy, yucky feeling way.

Branden says I need to ease off a little and add good things in slowly. He's probably right. I thought that by making my lunch with a bagel thin today wouldn't be adding any more fiber so my stomach could calm down a little. Yeah, that was before I looked at the package and found out that I'd just eaten 16% instead of 31%... Not enough of a difference to even take me down to 100%. CRAP! I'll either get the hang of this or I'll get used to this. One way or the other, I'll never again believe people who say it's hard to get enough fiber in your daily diet. Now I need to work on a couple other nutrients!

I Don't Know What To Name This Post

This is my third take on this particular blog. It's hard for me to get these words right, but I've realized that part of my problem is that I'm trying to put too much information in here without being too specific... See? Problem. Here goes, third time's a charm.

There's a girl a couple years older than I am who picks up hours in our bakery. She's a nice person but she's going through some tough times. She's decided to divorce her husband of 10 years and she's bitter... Very, very, very bitter. Bitter beyond bitter. Every time I see her she asks me if I'm sure I want to marry Branden, if I know what I'm getting into, if I REALLY think this is a good idea, etc. She also asks why we had such a long engagement and other questions she shouldn't be asking.

Whatever the answers to her questions may be, my life is none of her business. By the time we get married, Branden and I will have been engaged for nearly two years and, no matter the reasons, it was a decision we made together. There was compromise involved- I would have been fine with a shorter engagement and really wanted to be married before we moved- but I'm not unhappy with the way things have turned out.

I feel like she's being very rude and I have a strong desire to yell at her. Yes, Branden and I have had our fair share of problems- maybe more than our fair share- but she has no right to judge my relationship just because her's is falling apart. I feel like she's attempting to project her issues into my life. She's never met Branden, she knows very little about my actual relationship and yet she thinks that because we've had some similar problems she MUST know what my relationship is like and where it's headed. Yeah, it was hard when Branden didn't have a job but, unlike her soon-to-be-ex, he GOT a job and is now working 40 hrs a week doing something that wasn't his first choice in jobs! Not very surprisingly, a large weight has been lifted since he began working again and many of our problems have been vastly improved.

There are a couple reasons that I don't write about fights and problems on here all that often. The first is that it wouldn't be fair as it's part of Branden's life as well and I can only tell my side. The second, and most important, is that I don't need every person I've ever met weighing in on my relationship. There are people I go to when Branden and I have problems- thank you for always being there for me and not judging, Katie- and they get to say what they feel needs to be said. I don't always like what is said but these are also people who give their thoughts and then still let me live my life with nary an I-told-you-so. Aside from these amazing people, I have no need for more input. Don't take it personally if you're not one of them... You probably have enough of your own problems to deal with without taking on mine and it doesn't mean I don't care about you or value your thoughts. It's just, as this girl is proving, there is such a thing as too many opinions.