Tax Day

I mailed off the parts of our taxes that couldn't be sent online. The state of UT thinks I owe them $16 and since I don't have any way to disprove this, I paid it.

It's snowing again. One week ago I was looking out the window at work and hoping for the thunderstorm that Weather.com promised me. It snowed then, too. Funny what a difference one week makes... But not funny ha-ha. I don't think I have a full grasp of the fact that I no longer have a job. It doesn't seem real, though I cry a lot.

I'm nearing better. The influenza is down to some coughing, some sneezing and some congestion. No more eyes hurting and teeth hurting. Last night Branden did have to wake me up and give me cough syrup so I could really sleep. I recall that I kept having to sit up because I was coughing so much, but I was SO TIRED that I wasn't really waking up. The cough syrup helped and Branden said I didn't cough very much after that.

My birthday party with my family is this Saturday. I try not to think about my birthday too much because it makes me cry more. Actually, I think it makes me cry the most. I hope I can stop crying by Saturday because I don't want to cry at my birthday party. My birthday kinda depresses me every year but this year...... My birthday is the 24th so if anyone remembers I wouldn't mind having people wish me a Happy Birthday and a better next year. I kinda thought this year would be ok... Like things would get easier and more sorted out with life. I got engaged in this last year so SOMETHING turned out right. Let's all hope for more right when I'm 27.

I took my "personalized" Smith's coupons to the store and bought a little bit of food. I was really careful to only buy things that were on sale or that I had a coupon for and knew I would use. I got 1 dozen eggs for FREE! I don't know how to express the wonderfullness that is free eggs. I saved $9 and paid out $33. That's ok with me. Sometimes I'm an even better shopper than that. Maybe when we are in a place with more shopping options I'll be able to shop the ads a little more and cut coupons out of the paper. I'd like to think that I could be a really smart shopper given the opportunity.

I saw a terrible accident on my way home from the post office and grocery store. I'm not sure what happened, but it looked like a semi opened up the top of a car and then twisted the whole car so the insides were the outsides and the outsides were the insides. Then a couple other cars attacked the semi. When I went past, the twisted car was on the back of a flat-bed tow truck and it was sticking out in all the wrong directions. They were trying to secure it but pieces were literally falling off into the ditch. It seems that nobody could have survived that... But I hope somehow they did.

So those are some thoughts I have this tax day. I'm not all in this reality at the moment, so please forgive the detached nature.

And Now It's My Turn :(

Well, I expected to maybe get a disappointed talking to for being sick and not working the big party on Saturday... I got laid off instead. They say that they just had to cut costs so they cut me. I'm still not sure it wasn't because I was sick. One way or the other, it doesn't really matter. I am without job.

I've calmed down for the moment. Later I will be crying and freaking out again. Right now I am numb and a little hurt. I've never been let go from any job before. This is a first. Branden tells me it's not a reflection on me or my work... It feels like it. With the mess from Unemployment, I'm not even sure if I can get any money that way, though I am trying.

I will be looking everywhere for a job and we will be moving... No questions asked, we will be moving. We already were going to be struggling to make rent till the lease was up. Now... I really have no clue what we're going to do. Let me know if you hear of ANYTHING that I may be able to do... And not just baking. I now have office skills as well.

Slowly Re-Joining the Land of the Living

This morning I tried to be fine and go to SLC with Branden. I made it to Park City, sitting in his friend's driveway waiting for him to finish helping said friend before I broke down in tears. I'm still really tired and not all that great feeling. Branden ended up having to take me home so I could sleep while he went to SLC without me.

I am now sitting on the couch for the first time since I got sick. It's not much, but it's kinda nice to be out of the bedroom. I also made dinner- if you can call putting store-bought chicken strips and mashed potato smiles in the oven and a then taking them out again making dinner.

Tomorrow I have to work. I don't know how long I'll last, but I'm gonna give it my best shot. I'm not really looking forward to finding out how they really felt about my getting sick... At least I have a doctor's note! I think I'll be going to bed soon. Can't wait till I can really sleep again... It's been almost a week since I've had a good night's sleep.

Apparently I'm Supposed To Be All Better Today

This annoys me a little bit... Unfortunately/fortunately I don't really have the energy to get all worked up and angry.

Branden was so good about taking care of me yesterday. Today I'm "turning into a cat, lounging in bed all day." Umm, sorry that I still feel like crap! Yes, most of the bad aches are gone. My throat is raw, my head is pounding, I'm dizzy and I coughed my lungs out most of the night. Please forgive me for not LEAPING out of bed, making meals, cleaning the house, etc. I did wash a load of dishes and start the laundry before I couldn't stand anymore. I ended up sleeping a good portion of the afternoon.

I went into the living room and it's a NASTY mess! There's garbage, food, half-full cans of stuff and dishes ALL over the room! I took one look, handed Branden a trash bag and told him to clean it up. He hasn't but I'm NOT going to clean up after him this time.

Branden JUST came back in here and asked why I wasn't feeling better yet in a really whiny voice. Made me want to have the energy to hit him. I told him this is a seven-day illness and I was going need time to get better. I had thought that my fever broke yesterday but I'm not entirely sure right now and I don't know where the thermometer is. He said that I HAVE to be better by tomorrow because we have plans... I want to go to the Aquarium, but getting healthy seems more important to me. Trust me, I really don't enjoy sitting in bed all day feeling like crap.

Dinner Aftermath

First I need to say that the soup turned out to be pretty great. He bought the Bear Creek broccoli cheese soup mix and added chunks of cooked chicken and real broccoli. No, it won't help with any congestion, but it tasted really good. :)

I went into the kitchen to put my dishes in the sink. It is, indeed, a wreck. Every cupboard and drawer was open, food and garbage are all over the table- thankfully not any perishable food or gross garbage- and dishes are scattered about what little counter space we have. Oh, I love him and, despite the mess, I am glad that he's trying. I closed the cupboards and began putting away the clean dishes that I left in the dish drainer the last time I felt well enough to do dishes. (If I haven't mentioned it before, we have no dishwasher. There's not even ROOM for a dishwasher in that kitchen.) Turns out that even this much up-and-about time was a bad idea as I ended up coughing so badly that I couldn't breathe.

I am back in bed now. My chest hurts quite a bit more than it did before I got up so I guess I just need to stay down a little longer. I was hoping to wash a few dishes and maybe get a jump-start on the laundry. I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should feel restless. Does that make any sense? It's the knowing that I shouldn't feel like staying in bed that makes me want to get out of bed but... I don't actually feel like I SHOULD be out of bed. Oh, I'm probably not making any sense. Maybe I should go back to watching movies and stop trying to be coherent.

Branden Is Making Dinner

Part of me feels guilty about this. I almost always make dinner and I should be making dinner today. Part of me is scared about this. I don't really wanna know what my kitchen will look like when he's done and it's a guarantee that I will be the one cleaning it when I get better. Most of me just feels too crappy to care about either of the other two parts.

I slept off and on from about 10:00 last night till about 1:00 this afternoon. I feel like I could roll over and fall asleep right now but I wanna be sure that I can sleep tonight so I'm trying to stay awake. Branden went to the store and filled my prescription this afternoon. I was gonna try to do without it since it's only a pain killer but when I woke up hacking out my lungs with tears streaming down my face Branden decided that I needed it anyway. Thankfully the co-pay was only $6.

He also brought home a few different kinds of soup- guess what's for dinner?- and plenty of OTC medicines. I think he's contemplating when he will inevitably start to feel all this and is trying to be prepared. So now we have two different kinds of cough syrup, two different kinds of Theraflu, my pain medicine, the NighQuil, DayQuil, Tylenol and Ibuprofen we already had. And juice... lots and LOTS of juice. Apparently I get to drink pomegranite juice with dinner.

So that's my life at the moment. Still sick, but Branden's being pretty nice about taking care of me.

I Am Typhoid Mary

Seriously, that's what the doctor called me. I would probably be laughing right now if laughing didn't hurt so much. Those aches and pains from yesterday? Yeah, not from exercising. As it turns out, I have Influenza B and I am highly contagious. By the by, if a doctor tells you that a test for a disease is unpleasant, he's probably not kidding. Having a swab shoved really far up you nose HURTS. But I didn't make any noise, just closed my eyes in pain, and he said I am amazing because even big, strong men squeak.

I feel like crap! I ache everywhere, including my eyes and teeth. When the doctor came in I was dozing on the examination table. I tried to tell him that I probably just have a cold and the aches are probably from exercising. He immediately said, "No, they're not."

"They're not?"

"No, they are not."

"Um, ok. Thanks." He was right. Apparently the fact that I was laying down, sorta sleeping was a symptom all on it's own. That and the burning in my lungs, my dry cough and the aches all over.

Part of me really wanted it to just be a cold, but I feel so terrible that part of me really wanted it to be something else. Especially since I'm pretty sure my boss thought I was faking illness today at work. There's a smug kind of satisfaction in calling up someone who thinks you're lying and telling them that you have a doctor's note saying you can't work. Yes, I could use the 12 or more hours I would have worked tomorrow, but in my current state I would have never made it. The doctor even informed me that I probably already infected everyone at work (Oops! Is it bad that I hope my boss gets it?) and that Branden probably has it, too. I called up the few people I've seen this week to tell them. It seems that Katie's family may have it, too.

It's a virus so there's not much to be done except to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest. When my fever breaks I will no longer be contagious and can come out of quarantine. Yes, Branden has put me in quarantine. We bought a thermometer and a humidifier and I have been shut in the bedroom with both and my laptop. Maybe I'll take a nap. I'm awfully tired.

Despite My Aches And Pains, I Really Am Too Young For Your Oganization

Someone at AARP thinks I'm old. Ok, I know I'm turning 27 in a little while but last I checked that was still pretty far from 50. Not according to AARP, though. They keep sending me letters and stuff trying to get me to sign up. Today I even received one that had a CARD in it! They said I just needed to pay and call to activate my account. WHAT? I'm not that old! Really!

On the other hand, my body thinks it is. I have worked out to the walking portion of my DVD these past two days and I am SORE and beat! (I think there's a chance that I'm getting a cold, so that's not helping the situation.) Branden came home today while I was getting my walk on. In a way, it was kinda embarrassing because he's never been home to see me do any of my exercises. On the other hand, I feel good knowing that now someone knows I'm not bluffing.

It's not that anyone has said to me, "Yeah, right, Amber! You probably haven't gone on even one walk!" No, quite the opposite. Everyone has been very supportive and I have heard that people are proud of me- I'm a little proud of me, too. :) But nobody has SEEN me do anything... Except for people who don't know me but drive past this chubby young woman walking at the side of the road and swinging her arms like a flailing-thing. Ok, so my arms are more in control than that, but I do swing them BIG time. Other than these people- who don't really count in my book- everyone has just accepted what I've said. And it's not that they shouldn't it's just... Nobody I know had witnessed anything till today when Branden walked in on me while I was doing toe taps to along with the DVD.

Now I'm seriously considering going to bed in the next hour or so. There's actually work for me this weekend so I can't afford to be sick. If things go the way I think they will, I will work about 20-22 hours in the next two days and we NEED that money. So, I think I shall say good-night, finish gathering the garbage- tomorrow is garbage day- and climb my aching body into bed. Good-night!

What a Glorious Day!

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining just the right amount, the snow is melting, the whole town smells like warmed over manure... Ok, so that's not a nice part of the day. I really don't like living here, by the way. :S

I was able to go for a walk this fine day without a hat or a scarf. This is the first time this has happened since I started exercising. It felt so GOOD to be out in this weather, relaxing (in a fast-paced-walking sort of way) and thinking about spring.

When I first began walking, my right knee was REALLY hurting. I was doing my best to keep up the pace, but my knee just didn't want to let me. Then something happened that has never happened before: About 20 minutes into the walk my knee STOPPED HURTING! Just stopped. It was so amazing that I actually noted it pretty much immediately and, even when I was thinking about it, the pain did not return! How great! I was able to walk faster and further. I started to feel really good.

For those of you who know me well, which is probably all of you, you know that I don't really enjoy exercising. It such a burden to have to find time in my day for something so un-enjoyable that I have made plenty of excuses to avoid actual planned exercise. Yes, the occasional walk- often in the middle of the night- can be considered fun and I don't mind walking home from work but EXERCISING!? Who wants to do that? Well, today I did. It made me feel awesome.

And while I was feeling awesome, I started to think about how much I like myself. I haven't felt like thinking about liking myself in a long time. I spent an entire 40 minutes thinking about how great it is to be me. Honestly, I had forgotten. With all the money problems and moving worries and everything else that gets in the way, I had forgotten that I can survive things, that I am strong, that I am beautiful- and not just in my own way! I am a great person to be! I felt so good when I got home! Everyone should spend a half hour or more thinking about how much they like themselves!

I took a shower and while in there I looked at the parts of myself that I am unhappy with and I told those parts that they are evicted! I am the boss of this facility and all those flabby, gross bits are going to pack their bags and leave. I then took the time to talk to the parts of myself that I don't dislike as much but still need to change and told them that they are going to shape up. I informed my arms that they will look as nice as they did when I was a bread baker lifting no less than 100-150 lb a day. I told my thighs and butt that they are going to firm up and look as good as they've ever looked. I told my right knee that it was going to get better, even if I had to get professional help. Then I told all the parts of me that I like how great they are. I told them that there may be some changes to them, but not be alarmed because it would all be for the best. I told myself again that I am beautiful and I can do this because I am IN CHARGE! I feel so empowered!

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I hope I can recapture it when I start to feel frustrated. I hope this summer, when it's 100 degrees and I don't want to walk, that I will be able to look at this blog and say to myself, "You are a great person, you can do this and you are in charge!" And it will be motivation to get out there in my tank top- ok arms, we need to be ready by then- and work my butt, and gut, off! Right now, though, I feel incredible. Every one of you should try this. :)

More About Exercising

I didn't feel well yesterday. I don't really know why, I just felt gross in general. I slept most of the afternoon and evening and was still able to get almost 8 hours of sleep last night. Thankfully, I feel better today.

We exchanged my non-working exercise DVD before I crashed yesterday. Today I found out that this one only works in the DVD player in my laptop! At least it works SOMEWHERE. It will be interesting to try using my laptop for this purpose. The battery is bad so it has to be plugged in at all times or it turns off so I'll have to find a place that I can keep it plugged in and watch the relatively small screen while moving around. If this doesn't end up working, I will just do the exercise I found online. It's one that uses my weights and even though I can't do the lunges because of my knees- I tried and was thankful nobody was there to laugh when my knee gave out and I fell- it really works my arms and my thighs. It's more for toning but I need that, too, so I can do some aerobic part of the time and toning the other part.

I realize that I've been talking about exercise a lot recently, but I read somewhere that one way to stay on track is to check in with someone. So that's what I do here. I check in with you and myself. :)