"This is the Story You Wanted to Write..." Part 1

This story stretches back two years and then some.  It's a big part of the reason I stopped writing often- because I didn't want to write a "Poor Pity Me" post- but it was always on my mind.  Today, for the first time, I'm willing to write about the struggle we've gone through trying to get pregnant.  Some of this may be TMI but I'm going to write it anyway.  I know I won't finish it in one post- there's too much emotion for me to handle it all at once- but this is the beginning.

I'm writing because I'll need to remember.  When my child is being a royal pain, I'll need to remember.  When I take it for granted that something will just happen or work out, I'll need to remember.  And when I open my mouth to say, "If it makes you feel any better..." that's when I'll REALLY need to remember.

Two+ years...  Truly, this began for me even further back than that.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  It's the ONLY thing that I've NEVER wavered on or reconsidered at any time.  I was meant to raise children.  The need is so deep inside me, so much a part of me, that the thought of never having children was unthinkable and devastating.

Some of you may remember that when Branden and I got married I was determined to start a family right away.  I was finally married to an amazing man and looking forward to moving on to the next phase.  We'd been together for three years so I wasn't really feeling the need to "enjoy just being a couple for a while."  Been there, done that, loved it but I'm ready for more!  I was off birth control from day one of our marriage and I was convinced that it would just happen.  So I waited... And waited.

January 2011 came along and something weird started to happen to me.  I had a period, and then another one two weeks later, and then another two weeks later!  Every other weekend I was going through cramps and gross discomfort which lasted 3-4 days and then ended.  By the end of February, I'd had enough!  I called my doctor and got in to see him at the beginning of March.  I'd been keeping track with a calendar so I brought that in and showed him every time this had happened. 

His answer: Non-ovulatory bleeding.  I was going through pain every other week because my body just felt like it.  Well, that sucked!  We talked about my cycles, which have always been irregular, and he decided it was time for me to track my basal temperature to see what was going on.  I was to start with the beginning of my next "cycle."  Wouldn't you know it, now that I had a plan, my body decided to wait a full 6 weeks for me to be able to put it into action!

I began taking my temperature every morning in late April/early May.  If everything was going as it should, my temperature would be down in the low-to-mid 97.something degree range in the beginning of my cycle and jump up about a degree to low-to-mid 98.something degrees about two weeks in- that jump is ovulation- then my temperature should stay up until I start my next cycle.

Well, I discovered two things very quickly. (1)My basal temperature was LOW.  As in, often around 96.1-96.4 degrees, at least in the beginning.  This doesn't really mean anything other than that I had to make my own charts because the doctor's charts didn't go low enough for me.  (2)My temperature was ALL over the place.  One morning it would be 96.1 and the next it would be 97.0 only to drop to 96.2 the next day and spike to 97.5 the day after that.  I had to track for three cycles before I went back to my doctor but it was clear at the end of my first one that I wasn't ovulating.  And this was when I started to get depressed.

I am being honest here so I will admit to the painful stuff, even the things of which I'm ashamed.  I began to cry A LOT.  Sometimes silent tears while Branden slept next to me and sometimes great wracking sobs when nobody was around to hear.  The kind of sobs that hurt all the way to the end of my fingers and down in my toes.  The kind of hopeless self-pity that doesn't help anyone but I couldn't escape.  I won't pretend that this only happened in the beginning or that Branden didn't know. 

During some of the last 18 months, he even patiently held me while I sobbed, soaking his shirt with my tears and other liquids.  Every time I found out that one of my real-life friends, Facebook friends, cousins or siblings was expecting a child I would end up bawling, sometimes intermittently for days.  And I didn't want to seem like a terrible person because, of course, everyone deserves to be happy, but I just couldn't always pull any kind of joy out of my heart for that individual who was getting what I wanted so badly.

So I became jealous and angry.  I blamed myself over and over.  The hardest thing I've gone through up to this point in my life was living with the knowledge that I was the reason we were struggling to create a baby.  But I'm getting ahead of myself and crying too hard to write so I'll end this on a hopeful note.

I went back to my doctor in August and he confirmed what I could already see for myself, my body wasn't doing what it should.  He prescribed Clomid to help me ovulate and I went out and picked up my prescription immediately.  For the first time in my life, I couldn't wait to start a new cycle.  I was convinced that it would work.  My doctor told me that it usually only takes a couple of months for most women to get pregnant while taking it and I was positive that I was going to be one of these "most women" about which he spoke.  Lo and behold, I took my first round in September 2011 and it worked!  Well, it worked in that I ovulated.  My temperature started low and then spiked around 18-19 days into my cycle and mostly leveled out until I my cycle ended after 31 days.  For the first time in my life, I had real proof that my body was doing what it should.  Yes, I cried when I started another period but the medication had worked.  There was hope.

Broccoli Bacon Salad

This past summer when Carrie came to visit I made Broccoli Bacon Salad.  At that time I promised to post this recipe to my blog... Well, three months later, here it is!  I will say if you make this the day before, or at least the morning of the day you are eating it, it's even better.  This makes quite a bit for the two of us but it's one of the few leftovers that Branden will eat so I don't mind making a big batch.

Broccoli Bacon Salad
1 1/2lb to 2lb Broccoli, Fresh
1/2lb to 1lb Bacon (I use1lb of bacon ends from Trader Joe's)
1/2 Onion, finely minced OR Onion Powder to taste
6oz Craisins
3-4oz Slivered Almonds
1/4 to 1/2c Shredded Cheese- I use Cheddar or Colby Jack
Salt and Pepper to taste
Garlic Powder to taste
(Dressing)
About 1/4c Apple Cider Vinegar or Vinaigrette
1/2-1c Miracle Whip

Cut the bacon into small pieces and brown until crispy and delicious. Cool while chopping broccoli into bite sized pieces. Mix everything up to dressing together in a large bowl. Mix and use enough dressing to cover everything else. (Branden prefers his salad a little wetter but that's entirely up to you.)  Refrigerate until you serve.

This isn't exact- obviously. I just kinda wing half of it but that's what makes it great. Change anything you like!  Honestly, I've made A LOT of changes to make this my own.  For one, the original recipe called for sugar as well but I find that the Craisins and apple cider vinaigrette that I use have more than enough sweetness.  I have also mixed in chopped grilled chicken when I was packing it for lunch the next day but Branden thinks of this as pure blasphemy.

Have fun with it and enjoy!

My Actual 30th Birthday

Since we both had the day off, Branden and I slept in on my birthday.  As soon as we got up he gave me my present.  I got a new Nightmare Before Christmas messenger bag which was exactly what I wanted!  He actually bought two Nightmare Before Christmas bags for me and one of them turns out to be a lined bag that can be used to keep food cold on the way home from the grocery store.  He had no idea, but I'd been looking for a new lined grocery bag so it turned out to be an extra great surprise.
Tuesday was a little more tame than Monday had been. We decided to go to the Civil War exhibit at the Missouri History Museum.  The history museum itself is free but some special exhibits do cost extra so we planned on paying.  It turned out that those exhibits are free to St. Louis City and County residents after 2PM on a certain Tuesday each month so we were able to spend the afternoon at the museum for free anyway!  It was a great exhibit and I spent a lot of time reading every single thing... Needless to say, Branden could pretty much walk through the entire thing three times before I was 3/4 of the way done.  Even more exciting- for me, but probably not for anyone else- there was an actor there that day only who performed a monologue as a Union Recruitment Officer.  It was really interesting and I learned a few things.
When Branden was finally able to drag me out of the museum we went to Yogurtland and got my free birthday frozen yogurt!

We love their frozen yogurt and the best part (Aside from the fact that you get up to a pound for free on your birthday.  Who can eat a pound of yogurt and mix-ins?) is the fact that they put probiotics in it so even lactose sensitive people like me can eat it without getting sick.  We ended the day with dinner at Dewey's Pizza which turned out to be very good.  All in all, a great birthday weekend.
Turning 30 didn't bother me at all.  Sure, there are things about my life that I thought would be different by now but I'm happy.  I have an awesome husband who willingly sat through a chick flick, risked his life mini golfing and wasted an afternoon at a museum exhibit that was maybe half as interesting to him as it was to me.  I love my job.  We love St. Louis.  I'm looking forward to the future and it doesn't bother me that 30 years have passed.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Mother's Day and I am 1300 miles away from mine.  Worse, I'm a terrible daughter and even though Aunt Jen and I made cards for Mother's Day about 6 months ago, I didn't get to the post office this week! 
Mom, I do have something on its way and I'm sorry that it's going to be late.  In a small effort to make up for not getting things mailed, I've written multiple posts and included some pictures of life in St. Louis... Though only one picture has me in it and it's not a very good picture.
I love you a lot and hope that Mother's Day was great for you!

Mini Golf For My Birthday

I had an awesome birthday weekend this year.  My birthday was on a Tuesday and Branden and I arranged to have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off together.  We spent Sunday just relaxing together and then Branden took me to dinner and to see "The Lucky One."  I liked it and would watch it again.
Monday was an AWESOME day.  I decided that we should go mini golfing so we chose a couple of courses not too far from our apartment.
First we went to Arizona Action Land.  As the name implies, this creepy "fun park" had a Southwestern theme.  Before I get too far into this, I need to let you know that Branden was convinced that this place was straight out of a horror film but I assured him that, since we were there during the day, we would be fine and this would be a great adventure.  Well, we weren't murdered and I laughed a whole lot so I think I can say that I was right!
We had to go into an old bowling alley to purchase our golf game and I wish that I'd taken more pictures because but we were more concerned with the tall, vampirish man behind the counter.  The guy was seriously so pale that I'm convinced he hasn't seen daylight in a few hundred years and he looked at us as if we were the first decent meal he'd seen in a decade.  Thankfully, I was able to use Branden as a distraction while I snapped a picture of this fine bowling team.

 I love that the best thing that can be said about them is that they are not a bad team.  Of course, they're not a GOOD team but... Well, they're not bad.
So off we go to mini golf.  At the very first hole they do a great job of setting the Southwestern theme with... Sea turtles?

 Oh, and this is the first hole.  Try to miss, I dare you!

 Second hole was just confusing.  Here, go ahead a putt across a giant Native American guy holding a slice of watermelon... What?  Also, you can't tell from this picture, but there are two holes and you literally putt uphill.  The first hole is just above his waist and gets you a "hole in two" while the second is just below his mouth and give you a "hole in one."  If you could get the ball up there, you actually couldn't miss.

 Yet another guaranteed hole in one is this guy here.  You don't even putt!  You drop the ball in a hole about four feet off the ground and then it rolls through the pipe you see on his back and lands...

HERE!

 Even though you can't miss, they want you to feel extra good about having come near this giant snake.  Branden actually had to get really close to the rattlesnake and mess with the pipe because it's broken about half-way down and his ball got stuck.

 Here's yet another time that you can't help but get a hole in one... I got it in two. :P

 Hmmm... Even more interesting than the first Native American guy.  This one also has watermelon but this time he has a strange hat, mismatched shoes and... Well... Breasts.  A little racy, huh?

 This was one of my favorite parts!  LOOK!  Actual beaver gnawed trees!  Arizona is known for beavers, right?  It's funny, I've seen beaver gnawed trees in the wild and they looked a little less... Saw cut.  And I cannot tell you how glad I am that there is a piece of fencing in front of those beavers.  I wasn't aware that concrete beavers could contract rabies.

 I'm fairly certain these little guys are beaver victims.  Before they were fenced in, they ran rampant through the mini golf course and some of the other concrete animals lost their lives.

 And this is only the first golf course!
To be fair to the other golf course, it was much more of a standard mini golf course and wasn't nearly as run down.  For the most part it just looked like it wasn't quite ready for the season.  Here are a few pictures of that one:
 This little house was probably haunted but... Isn't that normal in mini golf?

Branden is surveying our next hole.

 And here he is with his new friend.

 Magic mushroom!

 FINE!  I'll post A picture of me!

 This is some nice looking water!

 And the final hole was nearly impossible!  This was just about the only really weird part... Why does the frog have teeth?

We finished off the day by purchasing the plants and soil for our 3-bucket balcony garden, but that's a different post.

My First Cardinal's Game

One thing we learned very quickly: It doesn't matter where you are from, it doesn't matter who you THINK you cheer for, if you live in St. Louis you are a citizen of Cardinal's Nation and you ARE a Cardinal's fan.
Branden and I weren't ever sports fans of any kind... But then we moved here.  There is such a feeling of "This is OUR team, these are OUR boys" here that it's impossible to not get sucked in just a little.  I think that the World Series last fall really sealed our fates.  The entire city dropped everything and showed up in force to show support.  I'm not kidding when I say that all kinds of meetings, from town concils to cub scouts, were canceled.  The whole city wore red for days and fell in love with the Rally Squirrel.  By the end of the series, we were confirmed Cardinal's fans.
It may come as a shock to some but I actually watch baseball now... Only the Cardinals games and not every one, but that's still baseball.  I even know what some of the terms mean!  AND I own a Cardinals baseball hat!
So it comes as no surprise that when our friends told us they had tickets to a game and invited us along we were happy to go.  The tickets are actually Matt's aunt's season tickets and they were good seats!  This is the outfield RIGHT in front of us.

 Oh, yes, we needed to be warned about baseballs that just might be heading in our direction.

 This is looking down the fowl line toward first base.

We had to leave when it went into overtime but we ultimately won the game and a good time was had by all.

A Vending Machine for What?

Near the end of March I got my first ever sinus infection.  It was kinda out of the blue for me because I don't have allergies and I didn't have a cold.  In fact, I really had no nasal congestion and everything started with a sore throat.  I take my temperature daily so I knew as soon as my temperature went up that I was actually sick.
Unfortunately, I got the sore throat Thursday evening, registered a fever Friday morning and still had to work Friday and Saturday.  Not only are they the busiest days of my work week, I was training a new girl.  After two VERY long 9-10 hour days at work I woke up Sunday morning and still had a fever.  Thankfully, there's an urgent care down the street from our apartment that is open on Sundays so we headed over to get my throat checked out.  Everyone and their sick child was there but waiting gave me time to snap a picture of this:

Yep, it's a vending-type machine for your prescription medication!  I spent a lot of time thinking about how this would work.  How foolproof is this?  What kind of variety do they stock in this?  Do you have to input all of your insurance information?  Does it print drug info and warn you about drug interactions?  And then I thought about this ad campaign and started giggling internally thinking about the pharmacist shoved into a little cubicle filling prescriptions.   Unfortunately, we didn't think to try it out with my prescription so I didn't get a chance to put him/her to work. 
Oh, yeah, and I did end up getting better after a couple days of rest and all of my medicine.

We Are Grilling Fools

When we moved into this apartment last year we found out that we are allowed to have a grill on our balcony as long as it is electric.  We found a decent electric grill/smoker combo and used last year's Missouri tax refund to purchase it.  We used it a few times last year but this year we are really getting our money's worth.  We LOVE having an alternate cooking option and we have used it almost every day since the middle of February.
We had a very mild winter here and it started to get warm really early.  As soon as it was warm enough outside to leave our windows open we uncovered the grill.  Grilling is a fun collaboration for us because Branden is our Master of Marinade and I am our Grill Chef.  I love all the fun flavor combinations that he throws together.  I have a cupboard full for spices from Penzeys- many of which I got for free with the coupons they send me- and most of them don't get used on a regular basis, if ever.  Branden gets in there, sniffs all the different bottles and bags and dumps a little of this and a little of that into the marinade according to his current mood.  Every combination he's tried so far has been an awesome success.
This is also an area that my love of Aldi benefits us again.  Every Wednesday they have a meat special.  We've purchased boneless skinless chicken breast, bone-in chicken breasts, roasts, beef tenderloin, bacon wrapped filets, veal roast and whole chickens.  There's no limit and I'll admit that we have gone a little over the top at times.  Like the time that whole chickens were $0.69/lb and we went to two different Aldis and bought ten total... Hey, we have a chest freezer, why not use it?
So we've been grilling chicken, hamburgers, brats, steaks, and I've even convinced Branden to try pork again!  (For those of you who don't know, Branden doesn't like pork and declares that bacon- which he LOVES- isn't from a pig, but from a snake.)  Pork chops didn't go well but there's a peppered pork tenderloin that he loves and I practically have to fight him to get a share.  Last week I even tried out grilling a frozen pizza!  It wasn't the best attempt but I have confidence that I'll do better next time.  The next thing I'm going to try is grilling potatoes... Like baked potatoes but grilled.  I've heard that they're quite tasty.

Keep Up the Good Work, Love!

Well, it's definitely time for an update! The great news around our little household is Branden's continued success in kicking his smoking habit.

At the beginning of February Branden went to the doctor and got a prescription for Chantix. He started taking it that day and a week later had his last cigarette. It has now been two weeks since the last time he smoked. Last weekend he took the extra step of cleaning out his truck, vacuuming and scrubbing the seats and floorboards and throwing out the last lingering cigarettes.

This is a HUGE thing for him. He's been smoking for about half his life and for the first time in years he's not experiencing cravings. He's already noticed a difference in the way that he feels. Specifically, he is breathing without wheezing and the cough he has had since before we met is finally improving. I am so excited and proud that I brag about his progress to EVERYONE... Now including my few followers on here.

In related news, he's made a goal to run the St. Jude Memphis Marathon in December of 2013. To reach this goal, he has started the Couch to 5K program. He and his friend run together and he should be able to run a 5K within nine weeks. However, he doesn't plan on actually running a 5K until August when we're planning on participating in Run for You Lives, Zombie 5K and obstacle course. It's gonna be AWESOME! You can sign up as a victim, a chaser zombie or a stumbler zombie. He's planning on being a victim and running the course but I'm going to be a stumbler zombie! In order to not overshadow all of Branden's hard work, however, I will end my excited gushing here and write about this aspect at a later date.

We are both happily anticipating the health benefits that this decision will continue to bring to Branden's life. I am so truly proud of his dedication and the will-power it took for him to make it through the worst of his nicotine withdrawal. I love you, Branden. You can do this!

Important Words

This is something that's been bouncing around in my head for a while but it was brought back up while I was watching TV. A few months ago, one of the shows I watch had a couple of episodes centering around the death of a character's father. Today one of those episodes was on as a rerun and I was reminded of a question that was brought up: If your father died today, what would his last words to you be?

The first time I saw it I answered without hesitation: "Be a good kid. I love you." Thankfully, that is still my answer. Not because I haven't talked with my dad, but because every phone conversation ends the same way. I am the luckiest girl in the world because my dad loves me and tells me so every time we talk. As a matter of fact, my mom loves me, too, and also tells me every time we talk! Turns out I'm beyond lucky. :)

One of my favorite things about Branden is that he never gets annoyed with the number of times each day that I tell him I love him... And I tell him A LOT. Even better, he also tells me he loves me at random times. I plan on telling my kids that I love them all the time as well. The word love will be one of the first that they learn.

My friend Kazia once told me that no matter how mad she was at her husband, she always said I love you before she hung up the phone. It doesn't matter how you feel in that moment, what matters is how you feel overall.

Branden and I have taken that thought to heart which is why some of our phone conversations end something like this:
"You know what, I don't really wanna talk about this now!"
"Fine! I love you!"
"Well, I love you, too!"
And then one of us hangs up.

Funny as it may seem, the most important thing was said last. Whatever we're fighting over probably doesn't matter. Love does. If I never got to talk to him again, at least the last thing I said was, "I love you."

I don't really believe in making New Year's resolutions because they rarely last. Instead, I'd like to challenge every one of the five-or-so of you who read this blog to make a Life Resolution: Always tell the ones you love that you love them. Say it every time you think it. Say it when you're less than happy and when you're on top of the world. And say it every time you say good-bye. They're the most important words you can say and you won't regret it.