Once Again, Stressed About Money

Branden asked me a few minutes ago if I was ok because he thought I was acting sick. I'm not sick, I'm just stressed and a little depressed. Money troubles are really getting me down.

My job will be pretty slow and I'm not sure how many hours I'll be able to get this month. Add to that a mess with Unemployment that may result in my not receiving any help for the next FOURTY-NINE WEEKS and I'm not too happy. The crappy thing about that is they are trying to penalize me for going On Call at a part time job so I could go back to working my FULL TIME job. I didn't stop working there so I could collect more money from them, I did it so I could go back to working 40 hours a week at one job. I didn't even QUIT the job. No, I haven't worked there in nearly six months, but they haven't CALLED me, either. I still have the key and all the stuff I need to get in, etc, which I wouldn't have if I had quit. I went to ON CALL status because I had a full time job! I talked to a guy today and he said he'd put that in my file and they will decide my fate before business hours are up on Thursday. Great.

Branden is still on Unemployment and, if I don't get paid real money this coming month, what little he gets will pay our rent and leave us with a whopping $50. Oh yeah, and one of my school loan payments is going to start up again next month so I need to talk to someone and see if I can postpone that AGAIN. Seems like I'll never have the money to pay that off! Yes, I am stressed. Branden thinks I shouldn't stress and that I'll just make myself sick. He may be right, but he also doesn't have any solutions. He just says we'll make it work. How? He doesn't know. I just know that I will have to keep doing every odd job at work and picking up every minute that I can. If I can just bring home $500 this month- which is nowhere NEAR 40 hours a week- we should be able to pay the bills.

We have two more rent payments- April is already paid- before our lease is up. The goal is just to make it without breaking the lease. At that point we can figure out something else. That could mean moving to a cheaper house... That could also mean moving to a cheaper city or further. Or maybe this job that Branden has been offered- he won't start till the end of May- will be a good thing for us and moving to a cheaper house would be less a necessity and more a way to save a little money. We don't know right now.

And did I mention that my birthday is April 24th? I was hoping to do something fun- go out maybe- for my birthday but that doesn't seem likely and that's making me sad, too. :(

Sorry to dump so much here. I just need to get things off my chest and this is such a great place for that.

No Walking In Ogden Today :(

Snow and large car accidents made staying home a more prudent decision so I won't get to hang out with my family or make them walk today. I will survive... Somehow. Looks like I'll be trying out the DVD today.

New Developments On The Exercise Front

So now there's a new twist and a new reason to work at losing weight: If I lose a pre-determined amount of weight, Branden will try to quit smoking.

He says that he can't promise it will work on the first try, but it's better than nothing. I need to lose weight and he needs to quit smoking so if I can even get that started... I'll do what I can to help us both.

Yesterday we bought a scale, a pedometer, two small weights for my walking, and a DVD exercise thing (which should target my larger-than-it-should-be backside) for the days that it's too cold or too hot to walk. I'm excited to use all this stuff. I also started downloading music so I can update my IPod Shuffle's playlist. I've never liked exercising, but with all these toys- and the evidence from the scale that I may have already lost a little weight- I'm kinda looking forward to continuing onward.

I walked every day from Tuesday on, including a walk from Katie's house to Aunt Doreen's house yesterday. Today I am taking a break. My knees hurt and it's snowing again. Tomorrow, when I'm in Ogden, I intend to drag Katie and Mom on a walk with me. I think it'll be fun, though I already know I walk more slowly with people than by myself. When I listen to music while walking I walk faster and further. I've discovered that I can trick my body into going just one block farther then, when I'm supposed to turn, I just keep going. My body is very gullible. :)

Hooray For Tasty Dinner

I'm a really big dork, but I get all excited when I make dinner and it goes over really well. :P Tonight I made chicken fajitas with the vegetables I picked up from the store while on my walk- 44 minutes today in 25 degree weather, but not much sloping ground so I'll have to work on that tomorrow.

Anyway, the fajitas were mostly peppers and green onions and Branden LOVED them! YAY!!! I honestly haven't seen him eat this much in a long time and there are no leftovers. :) I feel good that I made a pretty healthy dinner and we both liked it. I'm not aiming for the better diet, just the exercise, but it certainly can't hurt to eat more vegetables sometimes... And if it just HAPPENS that I pick those vegetables up while on a walk, well, so much the better... Or something like that.

My Walking Goal

I have recently been informed by a non-medial person that I need to lose weight. Not a pleasant thing to hear if it's coming from a doctor, but even less pleasant to hear coming from a non-doctor. Long and short, it wasn't cool and made me cry. So I have made a goal.

I will walk briskly for at least 30 minutes a day- which equals at least a mile- and incorporate at least some gently rising ground if not actual hills. In this way I will get my heart pumping and maybe help my knees a little. That is not the real goal, though. The actual goal is to lose 5 pounds by May.

I'm not sure if this will work, but I'm going to try anyway. I don't intend to drastically change my diet so it may not really work. I'm just hoping that exercise will do enough to knock off five pounds on it's own. I'll admit, it is a small goal... Actually a minuscule goal. And it is possible to lose five pounds in a week or two so there's always a chance that I can do it in five weeks. After all, I'm going from no planned exercise to at least 30 minutes of planned exercise for no less than four days a week.

Yesterday I walked 2.6 miles in 50 minutes. Not too bad, I think. Today I only walked for 30 minutes as it is snowing and I was cold. Not a great excuse, I know, but who of you four or five people reading this would have even gone exercise-walking in the snow? Or when it's 34 degrees with winds from the North? (That was yesterdays walk.) Since I have a feeling most of you said there was no chance you'd be out briskly walking in the snow or even cold, wintry weather, I don't feel badly that I only walked a little over a mile today. Actually I feel proud that I didn't give in to that whiny voice in my head that said today was too cold for walking- it probably was as I'm FREEZING now that I'm home and will need a hot shower- and that my knees already hurt so I should just rest today. My knees still hurt- they hurt pretty much every step of the way- but I did it anyway and that whiny voice will thank me when it's in a happier body. GO ME! :)

Getting Ready For Branden's Birthday

Branden's birthday is still about two months away but I bought his birthday present today. We're pretty poor right now but I figured it would be best to buy it while I had a little money... And also before it was his birthday and it was too late. Thankfully, he doesn't read this but I'm not going to say what I bought anyway. :P The fewer people who know, the better chance that I'll make it to his birthday without him figuring it out.

Branden is terrible about birthday gifts... Or any other gifts for that matter. He always wants to know what I bought him and pesters me constantly. So the fact that I have purchased a gift already is really just me setting myself up for a lot of harassment.

"Wasting Words On Lower Cases And Capitals"

It's funny how music can bring back so many memories. I was just watching music videos to songs that I haven't managed to listen to in a long time and as I watched there was another music video playing in my head.

As if moments of my life were lived with a soundtrack and, to be honest, some parts of my life were. Certain music will always remind me of hanging out with Katie and Shay before Katie's senior year of high school. We never went anywhere without music playing- loudly- and half the time we were hoarse from singing along by the time we reached our destination. I remember the beginning of Milo and all the freedom we felt we had; Barefoot walks around the neighborhood and up the foothills; Betting on Crazy Eights; Gingerbread houses and Codge; "Stalking" boys; Long talks, late nights and hugs.

Some music will remind me of my first fiance and all the issues and all the hopes and the end. And, though I will never be sorry that he is no longer in my life, some of that music will make me a little sad for those days. The times that we'd stay up all night talking- Branden and I don't do that; The times that I waited excitedly for the phone call or the text message; Hanging out with Kerry, Amy and Brittney talking about boys and life and everything; Visiting Kerry at Hollywood Video and watching movies at her house until late at night; Learning to live on my own; My last semester of college. It's all there in the music... And sometimes I miss that.

Other music reminds me of the best roommates I ever had: Amy and Shay. I remember all the boys, all the dishes, all the concerts, all the late nights and all-nighters, all the laughter. Falling out of the tree at the cabin and having to hike my own butt back to the cabin because they are both so much shorter than me; Blowing up apples with Amy and nearly getting caught over and over; A living room with no couches, just LoveSacs; Guitar Hero until the wee hours of the morning; Visiting Kerry AND Amy at Hollywood Video and seeing all the new releases the weekend before they came out; Joshie Dye and Dave coming to hang out with us; Shay and Dave fighting over fresh bread; Nightmare-ish parking; Dee's at 1 AM; Dragging Amy, Shay and Rick out to steal lawn ornaments; Watching the sun rise from the North Ogden Cemetary; Chasing Amy's dog when I should have been decorating Katie's wedding cake... It's all there in the music as well.

Some songs remind me of the amazing younger brother who would drag me out of bed after he got off work Friday mornings and take me out to breakfast. Rick has always been a great guy and I'm reminded of all the good times we've had when I listen to that music. The hours spent talking about life and dating; Shopping for clothes with him and Katie so we could insure he looked the proper amount of hot; Sharing a closet wall with him when we lived with our cousins and watching movies while sitting on my bed; Late nights watching him play video games; Going to movies and just hanging out together. He even stayed up all night with me and helped me finish Katie's cake after I caught Amy's dog.

And yet more reminds me of living in Arizona. The long hot drives with my windows down to catch any breeze and my music helping me enjoy the trip; Driving home, exhausted, after school; Getting introduced to the city by Patrick; Hanging out with Sabre; Being incredibly homesick with no time for homesickness; Talking to Branden every night for almost six months; Kayla and Jill- the friends I hand-picked the first day of class and essentially didn't give a chance to say no; Michelle, Ashley and Maria- the friends who got me through the most; Shopping on my own and feeling so proud about stocking cupboards with no help from anyone else; The nights that I wished I had time/energy for roommates.

So many memories. And music brings it all back... And makes me cry a little. Because I miss my friends who all have their own lives and I miss the younger brother who used to hang out with me and now has a wonderful fiancee and I miss Katie- even though I see her almost every week- because things were never quite the same after we had a falling-out her senior year. And it doesn't make a lot of sense to miss those times. Except that they WERE really good times. Yes, we were lost in a grown-up world when we didn't feel ready to be grown (still don't) and we were poor and I distinctly recall crying in my parents' family room because I was sick with no money for medicine or food... But I get whistful when I hear those chords. Thankfully, there's newer music and it reminds me of Branden and love and happiness. I think I'll listen to a bit of that now.

"All We Need Is Some Ice Cream And A Hug"

It seems like every time we are almost doing ok, life hits and we are left saying, "We'll find a way to make it work."

Branden has spent a lot of time working on our vehicles this month. I knew it wouldn't be cheap to get the truck in full, working order and the scooter... Just added to the cost. But the truck really HAD to be done and my car had to be finished and the scooter... Curse the stupid scooter for taking away more money. In the long run it could save us money but right now it doesn't seem worth it. Truth be told, we should have paid a lot more than we did for all of this, but Branden's friends at the shop are so good to us. Maybe TOO good to us. Not that I'm complaining.

But now it seems that Branden will need to go to the eye doctor so he can get a new prescription and new contacts. He's trying to say that we can't afford it, but what we REALLY can't afford is him being blind. Eyesight is a need, not a want.

Earlier this month I was feeling good because we were somewhat ahead. Then we paid most of the bills and rent is coming up and... We are near the end. We can't survive much longer unless Branden gets a job and I'm starting to panic. He used to bring home over $400 a week, but unemployment only pays him $250 a week. I'm doing almost every job asked of me at work just to be sure that I have as close to 40 hours a week as possible. Friends and family have graciously and generously hired Branden to do work for them and I am so incredibly grateful to every person who is helping us stay just a few dollars from sunk.

And at the same time I'm terrified. Thank goodness that I pushed back every time Branden pushed to get a house. I knew then that we wouldn't be able to afford one and, as much as I really want to own a house, now we can pick up and move if it comes to that. So we aren't as badly off as some... But I honestly don't know what we'll do next month and the month after that. And planning a wedding when we have no money is, quite frankly, depressing but I need to do something and it helps me look forward to the future with a little hope.

I don't want anyone to feel badly for or worry about me. We are all having a tough time and, as before stated, we're not as badly off as some. We are mostly healthy and mostly happy. We have stocked our chest freezer and pantry as best we could while we had money. I may be getting a little creative in the not-too-distant future but we won't starve. I hide money from myself. I know for a fact that I have at least $100 stashed away- somewhere- and I can PROBABLY find it when I get desperate... Probably. Not to mention at least $100 in loose change floating around because Branden doesn't spend it. We'll be ok. (Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?) This is a place that I vent and I get out my worries. It's a bit like my journal, only better. :) So don't worry too much about me... Just, next time you see me, could you give me a hug? I think we're all going to need a lot of them to make it through.

Our New-Old Scooter

I saw our scooter for the first time today. It's kinda cute. Needs a little paint work and still isn't fully tuned-up but it's going to be kind of fun to have. Unless tuning it changes things quite a bit, we won't ever be able to take it off neighborhood streets. In theory it can go up to 40mph, but Branden says the top speed he could get it to was between 20 and 25mph.

I drove it for the first time as well. I'll admit, I was a little freaked out. I was sure that I'd fall down. :P But I didn't fall and I'll eventually get the hang of really driving it... Not that it'll ever be REALLY driving.

Mostly Fixed Faucet and Girl Scout Cookies

My faucet is mostly fixed. Apparently the filters at the end of the faucet were clogged with calcium. All Branden had to do was take off the end of the faucet- I'm sure it has a name, but I don't know it- and put the filters in vinegar. Unfortunately, one was SO badly clogged that it will be forever unusable. This means that we must purchase a new one and, until then, my kitchen sink spits out water with sediment in it. Kinda gross, huh? It's hard to drink water like that... And I'm always thirsty.

On a different note, Branden bought an entire case of Girl Scout Cookies this afternoon. Twelve boxes of cookies! He may need the calories, but I don't. Thankfully, nine boxes are Tagalongs which he has no intention of sharing with me. Three boxes, on the other hand, are Thin Mints and he knows that those are my favorites. This is a problem. He likes them, too, but nowhere near as much as I do and I know I'll end up eating most of those... Which will then make me more thirsty and we're back to the faucet. :P

My Kitchen Faucet Is Broken

The faucet in our kitchen isn't working. It stopped working last night and Branden "didn't have time" to fix it right then. In other words, I'm not happy with him because I need it fixed and he is choosing to play WoW instead of fixing it. He didn't even come to bed until 2:30 AM because he was so "busy!"

Ok, I'm more than unhappy, I'm slightly angry. I knew it wouldn't get fixed today as he'd already planned to go pick up the vintage scooter that he was owed after doing some plumbing work. So today we ordered pizza for dinner. I hate to do it, but Branden doesn't understand that I can't make dinner without water and there are already two days' worth of dirty dishes in the sink/on the counter. (If you didn't know, our TINY kitchen is without dishwasher and I have to wash all dishes by hand in the one-compartment sink.)

He's promised that he'll LOOK at the faucet tomorrow. It's something, but not really enough. I need it FIXED. It's almost mind-blowing to realize that the only other place to get a drink of water is the bathroom. Of course, the bathroom sink is tiny, it's not as if I can do dishes in there.

I won't be too surprised if I'm quite a bit MORE angry tomorrow when the faucet still isn't fixed. In that case, expect a full-on rant.

I Wish I'd Had A Camera!!

Neither one of our cats is particularly brilliant, however, Branden's cat just did something incredibly stupid and TOTALLY HILARIOUS.

Allow me to set the scene: We have a mulberry tree/bush in our front yard. Now that the snow is melting and birds are coming back, we have relatively large flocks of migrating birds taking breaks in our yard to eat last year's berries. We used to have a desk in front of the front window where the cats would sit and watch the birds longingly but we moved it to set up the Christmas tree back in December. When the tree came down, it seemed like a wise choice to leave the desk away from the window as we actually haven't informed our landlords of 14 months that we have cats- and have had cats for years. So the cats- mostly Branden's cat, Samantha- watch what birds they can see from the floor a good three or four feet away from the window.

As she was staring up at the window just now, a flock of birds took off from the tree. Sam, being the intelligent cat that she is, LEAPED up and JUMPED at the window, slamming head-first into the glass before falling straight into a box of Branden's tools that has been hanging out in that corner! This, of course, FREAKED her out and she went STREAKING out of the room, only to run into the CLOSED door before finding her way through the open door right next to it. I laughed so hard I was crying. I'm still having the occasional bought of giggles. *giggling sigh* Oh, we have dumb pets!

Planning the Small Stuff

Last night I looked through a couple of wedding magazines and showed pics to Branden. I circled the things that we both agreed on. It's not a big step, but it's a cheap one- the magazines came from my work.

I have felt like we can't really plan when we don't even know where we'll be living when our lease is up. I guess I just need to get into the planning that can move with us. So we chose things like the ring-bearer pillow and ideas for centerpieces. We already have the colors, the silk leaves for the flower girl and the toasting glasses... I got the glasses about a year ago, actually. :P

I'm starting to get excited in a way that I haven't felt since Branden lost his job. There's a lot of planning to go and I'm still concerned about money... But I can dream and I can hope and I can plan the little things so when my life is more settled I'm ready to plan the big stuff. :)

Nighttime Keep-You-Awake Itches

You know those times when you get yourself into a comfy position in bed and you're just about to doze off when all of a sudden you seem to itch everywhere? And you don't want to move because maybe it took a lot of persuading and moving to get there? Yeah, I HATE that.

Last night I had just managed to convince Branden to cuddle with me- this is very important to me, but that's another post- and I'd managed to get both of us just so, with his arms around me and my head in that nice hollow spot on his shoulder and my left foot sticking out of the covers, etc., when the nighttime itches hit. My nose itched, my forehead itched, my foot itched, my leg itched, my arm itched... And I DID NOT want to move! If I had moved then one or both of his arms would have stopped being around me! (Having arms around you is, of course, the most important part of being cuddled.)

So I very carefully snuck my right foot out and scratched my left foot and leg. Then I reached with my left hand and carefully scratched my nose and arm. I figured if I just pushed my forehead into his chin a little bit the itching there would stop. No such luck. Guess what? Beard hair makes itching worse... And he thought I was being odd and turned his head away a little bit. So now my forehead was REALLY itching and I decided to do a quick sneak attack on it- just kinda give it one good scratch. Well, I went a little overboard so now there are three small scabs at the top of my forehead, just at my hairline. And that's when my back started to itch...

I tried really hard not to move, but I couldn't help squirming and lost his left arm in the process. :( Thankfully, his right hand holds my left hand so I was able to keep a grip and not lose the other arm as well. Needless to say, he fell asleep well before I did as I was wide awake trying desperately to think of anything but scratching and finally had to give up and get every itch I could reach. But at least I managed to hold on to that one arm!

*Speaking of itches, if you ever have a good deal of time on your hands and feel like reading something out of the norm, you should check this out. It's a really interesting article, but it's also pretty long. Be warned: part of it is exploring the story of a woman who scratched though her own skull.*

Dad's Cake

Do you remember this blog? Here is a pic of the cake. It's not a great pic, but it's the best I've got.

Not too bad, all things considered. You can't even tell that anything was ever wrong with it from this angle. :) I'd love to have a top view, though. Stacy, if you got a better pic I'd love to see it and maybe get a copy.

James is 18

I guess I have to apologize for the length of my last post. I have been informed that it could have been an epic novel. If I added a couple more words then you probably are right, Mikey. In light of this information, this post will be a short one.

Last night was James' 18th birthday party. We had a good time, though the guest of honor didn't show up till the party was 3/4 over. :P Pizza was good, cupcakes were good, company was good. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMES!

My Lifetime Goal: To Raise My Kids Myself

Today I informed Branden how important it is to me that I raise my children. I don't want them in daycare, no family member is going to watch them and I am NOT going to let them just run amok while I work as he likes to say him mom did. (She did NOT. His aunt watched him until he was old enough to know better than to play in the street, etc.)

I've told him in the past that I was going to stay home with my kids. Today I really stressed that I want, no, I NEED to be there for all the firsts and all the falls and all the funny moments. I need to be a mom who provides lasting memories for her children. They need to remember me helping them climb the monkey bars and letting them "paint" with their feet and encouraging them to bring me little treasures. I need my kids to remember reality not TV, remember places we went not places they saw on Discovery Channel, remember made-up games not video games, remember me holding them when they cried not somebody at the daycare holding them. In short, I need my children to know that I loved them and that I cared enough about them to be there.

I know that you can work and still let your children know you love them. I have no doubt in my mind that certain working moms I know have children who feel very loved. But there are also things that those moms miss out on and, though I don't ever hold it against them that they are working, those moms will never get those moments back. I realize that it is sometimes absolutely necessary that both parents work... I have told Branden that we will find a way to make it with one parent working or me only working part time because it is that important to me.

My whole life I've wanted to be a mom and, to me, part of that is taking care of my children myself. He thinks it's stupid for us to be paying off my student loans when I'm not using the schooling. What he doesn't understand is that I'm ALWAYS using the schooling and it will still be there when our kids start school and I can work again. I told him that I wouldn't have even bothered with school if I had thought at that point in my life that I was going to find someone who wanted to marry me. It's true. I liked school and I'm glad I went but this job- and the schooling that goes with it- are just things to pass the time until I can raise a family. THAT is my ultimate goal and it means more to me than money or any business.

I think part of his not understanding is the way he was raised. His mom worked from the time he was born until I made more sense for her to stop... It's a long story involving taxes and trucks. He was with his aunt or on his own when she was working and he wasn't in school. That was just the way it was for him. It's not that his mother didn't ever take care of him or that she loved him less than my mother loved me, as far as I can tell she loved/loves him very much. He is her only child and they are quite close- thankfully not in an interfering way, though. She was a single mother until he was four and almost a single mother afterward as his father- really step, but the only dad he's ever known- is a long-haul trucker. She did what she felt she needed to do and I cannot fault her.

I was raised by a mom who stayed home, babysat people's kids and taught dance, tumbling and baton in her living room so she could be with her kids. My mom didn't have a job with a regular-type paycheck until I was in fourth grade and she drove school bus. Even then she could take the little kids with her. My mom worked hard to give us all those memories that I want to create. We were poor, my parents struggled, but it was important to her that she be there as much as possible while we grew up... So she was. Even when I was CONVINCED that she didn't love me and I MUST be adopted because she'd NEVER treat her own child so horribly... Somewhere inside I always knew that I was one of the most important things to her- one of nine as it turns out... Ten when you add in my dad.

I doubt that I'll be a super mom like some of the women I've had a chance to meet. I will never be as amazing as Katie or as creative as Stacy or as much of many other great things that I could list about many other great women... Though I do have a shot at being as CRAZY as my own mom. But one thing, one of the most important things, that I have a goal to be is THERE. I will decorate wedding cakes at my house with a toddler in a high chair banging a spoon if I have to, but I will find a way to be there with my children and I know they will remember that I was... And maybe it will mean enough to my daughter that she will vow to be home with her children, too.

I Own A Truck!

Ok, so it's still TECHNICALLY Branden's truck but LEGALLY it's mine.

Branden has had this truck for two and a half years but for the last year and a half it has pretty much sat out next to one garage or another. For a while he had a work truck and I had my Neon. Then he got fired but his truck hadn't been driven in so long that we'd let the registration and insurance lapse. Then my car died so we owned THREE broken cars (he also has a car that resides in the garage and may someday be fixed).

My parents gave us the Nissan which has only needed a few relatively minor repairs- one of which I caused by hitting a deer. Just yesterday Branden put a new radiator into his very orange 1981 Dodge Ram. This morning- for reasons I will later explain- he went to the city-county building and transferred the title to said truck into my name. Once it has been added to my insurance it'll be pretty much ready for the road.

Branden has a not-good driving record. Given a little time, we will be able to insure his vehicles in his name again. Until then, it's far cheaper to insure the truck in my name. The driving record also means that if a cop runs his plates- which they seem to do a lot around here- he is more likely to be pulled over and ticketed for any minor thing. Couple this with the insurance and it just makes more sense financially for us to put everything in my name. My driving record is almost clean- one accident in June of '06- and this summer even that will be gone. :)

We won't drive the truck very often because it still gets terrible gas mileage but it will be useful for moving and hauling. Because Branden now has a vehicle, I can drive myself to work again and MAYBE his tools will slowly move out of my car. There will be days that for some reason or other I will be driving the truck so it's good that it's a big, sturdy truck and Branden says I can pretty much hit whatever I want in it and still be fine. Not that I intend to hit anything.