The End of the Car Saga... For Now

The car is finally fully repaired, registered and licensed. Branden finished fixing the car on Sunday. Today he took it back to Midas- he should've never taken it to them in the first place but he did- and this time it passed inspection. I managed to get home a tiny bit faster than usual and we made it to the licensing office minutes before it closed. Assuming that everything goes right with the title, this whole mess is done for the time being.

A Small Amount of Homesickness

I've been in an odd, sorta depressed mood today. Last night I dreamed about my family. I don't remember all of it, but I remember that I was playing with my nephew Josh and that he could talk- which isn't the current state of things. I remember talking to my mom, though I don't remember what was said, and I remember hugging people I love. Then I woke up and none of it was real.

I've been fairly happy here in St. Louis. For all the stress, for all the money and job worry, for all the car frustration, I've been happy and have really been enjoying this city. Every time we go somewhere great, though, all I can think is how much everyone in my family would love it. We went to The City Museum and Branden and I talked constantly about how Rick'n'Abby and Katie and Josh would LOVE being there. We went to the St. Louis Zoo and I was thinking about how all my nephews would have a great time there. We went to a couple of farmer's markets and an Asian market and I thought about the foods that my family would like to eat and all the things we would have laughed about if they had been there. I'm having a great time but I do think about my family all the time.

Today random things have been making me cry. Not lots of tears, not big sobs, but still crying. It's a little pathetic actually... Branden turned on CMT's Top 20 Countdown and I started tearing up at some of the not-even-sad-or-touching songs! I'll feel better tomorrow but today I am a little sad.

A Little Good News In All My Stress

Branden's interview went quite well. He has the job but... It's only part time and only contract work. This means that he only gets paid if there's something they need him to do, which isn't every day or even guaranteed to be every week. Most likely, this will become a supplemental income to another full time job... And may, possibly, maybe, become a source of money for our wedding and fun things afterward.

So he's still looking for a full time job- or even a temporary, steady-income part time job. It's weird because I know he may not really bring in much money with this job, but I feel like things are looking up anyway. Yes, I'm still in charge of supporting us but, well, I just feel a bit better.

This Is REAL!!!

First I laughed a lot- what a great stress reliever. Then I did everything I could to look this up and, as far as I can tell, this is actually a real listing. Branden doesn't think it could be, but I looked up the realtor and everything... She exists and this house is listed under her name on more than one site. So without further ado, check out this listing. Go even further, check out the link to the original page!

Trying To Relax But Failing

I forgot to mention in my last post that Branden and I also went to the Butterfly House with my friend, Jeremy. It was a good time and we have pictures that are still sitting on the camera. I'll probably post a few sometime in the future. I also need to mention that this past Sunday we had an amazing time at The City Museum. It's an incredible place and I'd like to write all about it, but in my current state of mind... I just won't be able to express the wonder that is The City Museum. I promise I'll write more about it later- probably after we've made a return trip and I have some pictures to post.

At the moment, I am stressed. We moved here with the intention of getting jobs and getting back on track. I've managed to find a job that pays the same amount I was getting before I was laid off with guaranteed hours and future benefits. Branden has so far been unable to find a job. Things have been complicated by the fact that he traded his truck for a car that cannot at this time pass a safety inspection and, until it is fixed, is unsafe to drive. So we are trying to fix the car and we're doing it as inexpensively as we can- Branden's friend helped him replace the axle and he's found someone who will help him fix the ball joint for a trade instead of money- but that doesn't change the fact that we are still spending money we don't really have to get it working before our month's grace period is up and I am the only one bringing in a paycheck.

Before anyone judges Branden harshly, he does have an interview this Friday and he's been guaranteed another interview with a local school district. But the school district job could take a total of up to eight weeks before he even knows if he's hired or not and this interview on Friday is one of the first companies to contact him after he's sent his resume. I don't know if there just aren't as many computer jobs as he was led to believe, if there are just tons of computer people out of work right now, or if Branden's resume just isn't put together in such a way that draws interest. It could just be that he doesn't have a degree and other applicants do. He definitely has the experience and I know he's been trying to find a job.

Lots of other people are also out of work. I suppose that I'm just lucky to have a fairly uncommon skill. I've been told over and over that cake decorators are a dying breed. I'm thankful that I have a marketable skill- and also that I actually find some satisfaction in my job- but I'm pretty stressed about Branden's lack of job. This unplanned one-income household thing is not easy. There's a good chance that the car will be fixed today and Branden will be able to go get a job- any job- to tide us over until he can get the job he really wants. We agreed that even a temporary, part-time, minimum wage job would be better than nothing. I told him that I know it's not fair for him that he may have to work a job he hates but it's only until he's able to get the job he wants... Unfortunately, that's what we've come to.

I'm doing my best not to stress but... I'm not very good at not stressing.

"I Hear In My Mind, All This Music"

A lot of things have happened in this last week and I keep thinking that I should write about them, but when I'm sitting here I'm somehow not in the mood to write, or I forget what I was going to say, or the things I do write seem pointless and awkwardly written... So I haven't posted for a bit. Here's a little bit of what has been happening:

-Hours have been cut at my work. I was a little worried when I first heard but, thanks to the union and also thanks to the fact that I'm the only cake decorator, I still have 40 hours. On the other hand, this means that I'm covering the shift for the last 2-3 hours I'm working and am completing a lot less than I would be otherwise. Aside from having to stop to help customers every ten minutes, I am asked plenty of questions whose answers I do not posses. In attempting to hunt down the answers, I waste even more of the time I should be using to decorate. This is frustrating but Kerri says we'll have more hours soon and things will improve.

-For those of you who may not have heard, Chantelle is getting married on November 5. I am currently trying to figure out how and when to get back to UT so I can be at her reception. I'll have a pretty limited amount of time that I can take off work but I'll still need the time to make her wedding cake. She's picked a cake that, while it doesn't LOOK complicated, will take some time to complete. I actually need to talk to Mom since she's paying for it and make sure she's ok with paying for the fondant Chantelle wants.

-Branden and I celebrated our two year (dating) anniversary on August 18... There's not a lot to say about that, really. We decided to go out to eat but we are poor so it wasn't anything fancy and we didn't get gifts for each other or anything.

-I'm really not thrilled about this car Branden got when he traded his truck. So far, it's cost us more money than we can afford and we can't even legally drive it yet.

-We found another "farmer's market" which is more of a farmer-owned grocery store than a traditional farmer's market but still fun to visit. They carry lots of different kinds of cheese so we bought a little sample pack and had lots of fun tasting them. They were flavors like horseradish Swiss and Southwestern spicy cheddar... Except that we didn't know what the flavors were before we tried them so the horseradish Swiss came as a bit of a shock to the taste buds.

-Since I have the first Harry Potter book on CD, I decided that it'd be fun to listen to it on the drive out here way back when. Once I had unpacked the books, I decided I should just go ahead and read the rest of the series. I finished the next three quite quickly, purchased the fifth book and have spent the last month-or-so trying to find enough time to read when I wasn't so tired that I'd fall asleep while reading. It hasn't been easy. Today I FINALLY finished the fifth book and purchased the sixth and seventh so that I can continue onward. Maybe I should have checked them out of the library so I could save some money, but with the amount of time it took me to read this last book... I'd pay more in library fines than I paid to buy the books.

-The humidity still wears me down but it's getting a bit better. It used to be that every day seemed extra hot and sticky. Now there are days that I can go outside and enjoy the weather- but only the days that have fairly low humidity.

That seems to be most of the recent happenings, etc. I'm sure I'll think of more later... And maybe blog about it. :P (And, no, the title of this blog has nothing to do with anything other than I like the song for some reason.)

Why Would You Even Ask That?

Today at work, a guy asked me for my phone number. I won't lie, I felt a little flattered. Of course, I immediately told him that I'm engaged and my fiance probably wouldn't like it if he called me. That sort of worked... He tried to feel out how likely I was to stick with Branden until our wedding- VERY likely- and if I thought I'd stay married. After assuring him that, yes, I intend to stay with my current significant other for the rest of my life, he decided to leave me alone.

Once he was gone, I laughingly told my manager, Dana, and the assistant, Kerri. Kerri laughed as well but Dana's response surprised me. She asked if the guy would have been worth cheating for. WHAT?!?! NO!!! It doesn't matter how good looking or rich, etc., he may have been, no guy that I've met once is worth throwing out my relationship. For that matter, no guy that I've met many times would be worth throwing out my relationship! I couldn't believe that she'd even ask that question. (Just as a side note, he wasn't at all attractive to me but even if he'd be gorgeous I would have still turned him down.) Thinking about this afterward, I realized that I just don't understand why people cheat.

Branden and I have been dating for two years on August 18 and we've been engaged for 9 1/2 months. Before we were officially dating, we talked for hours on end while I was living in AZ and spent tons of time together once I moved back to UT. I have invested more than 2 1/2 years in this relationship. Branden didn't seem to like when I said this to him but that's over 2 1/2 years of work that I'd be tossing out the window. No matter if he likes the thought or not, if you want to make a relationship last, it does take work. So these last years have been fun and laughter and struggling and sacrifice and happy times and cuddling and some fighting and compromising. But most of all, it's been the kind of work I don't mind doing because the benefits are great...Oh, yeah, there's also been lots of love. :) Every day I've made the choice to be with him.

I cannot imagine just ignoring all of that for... Nothing. There's no guarantee that any guy I cheated with would make me even half as happy as I am now. In fact, I would be very unhappy for a long time if I were to mess things up with Branden. It's possible that the reason I don't ever even contemplate cheating is because I'm in a relationship worth keeping. This doesn't mean that I think cheating is excusable if you aren't happy. Even in my less-than-worthwhile relationships I'd never have cheated. The way I see it, if you're thinking about cheating, maybe it's time to reevaluate something. But maybe that's just me. One way or the other, the only guy who will be taking me out on dates and getting kisses from me is my handsome fiance, Branden.

Auto Swap

Branden has been trying to trade his truck for a car since the day our internet was hooked up. Today we did. He traded the 1981 Dodge Ram for a 1998 Crown Victoria. I've been a little skeptical about this whole thing, especially because there have been some pretty fishy trade offers.

For example, a guy wanted to trade a 2004 Ford Taurus- at least I think that's what it was- but he was unwilling to drive anywhere to meet us. Instead, he wanted us to drive 2 1/2 hours BOTH WAYS to come and get the car. He wouldn't even meet us 1/2 an hour away from where he was. So he wanted us to drive FIVE HOURS and he was unwilling to drive his car at all... Hmm... Anyone else think there could be something seriously wrong with his car? I didn't feel at all good about the trade from the first time he contacted Branden. Obviously, after finding out that the guy wanted us to drive all that time and distance, Branden didn't feel good about it either so he turned the guy down.

I hope that this "new" car is good for us. I'm not thrilled with having a red granny car but Branden's sure this will be a good trade. Unfortunately, he's having a bit of "trader's remorse" and wishing he still had his truck. It was a cool truck, but it was very hard to drive and didn't get very good gas mileage. We honestly don't need it out here... I think he's just a little sad because he's had that truck for 4-ish years and it's got him through a lot of stuff, including snow. :P He just told me, "But, making a 17 year upgrade is kinda nice." In the long run, he'll probably be just fine.

Another Update On Branden's Dad

Branden got home safely on Monday. His dad, George, was moved to a hospital in Northern Minnesota today. He'll be there indefinitely while undergoing at least 3 hours of therapy per day.

He has some motor problems but the doctors are hoping that will improve with therapy. He has quite a bit of sight loss in his right eye and nobody knows if that will improve. He can walk without help. He has no speech impediments but has problems finding the right words. He knows similar words but sometimes cannot come up with the completely correct answer. For instance, he can come up with clock but not watch. Even if he makes a full recovery, he won't be allowed to drive truck for at least a year. Since he is nearly 65 anyway he will just be retiring a little early.

The stroke itself is over so he won't be getting any worse. Right now, everyone is hopeful that his condition will improve.

"Riding High Above The World"

I drove Branden's truck to work today. It was... Scary. I killed it twice before I even got out of the parking spot and for the first little while every time I shifted gears the truck acted like it was gonna die again. I left the house about 45 minutes before I needed to be at work and made it there about 5 minutes before I had to clock in... This means it took me nearly twice as long to get to work driving Branden's truck as it does when I'm driving my car.

One thing I should make clear: While I fully admit that I am not good at driving his truck- and I admit that my getting nervous and worked up doesn't help me out any- his truck is not exactly the easiest vehicle in the world to drive. It's big, it's old, it has to be started a certain way that involves a choke and pumping of the gas pedal, only the top three gears of four work, it's hard to get out of gear and even harder to get in gear... There's a trick to driving that truck that takes some time to learn. Branden has had that time. I, obviously, have not.

Driving home felt more like playing a video game than driving. You know those games at the arcade that are box-shaped like the cab of the truck and when you get in, sit down and start the game they rumble and shake a little and there are things on the screen in front of you that you have to steer to avoid while shifting, etc.? Ok, maybe you don't know... But they exist, ok? And driving Branden's truck in the humid heat after a long day at work was a little... Surreal. I was so much higher above where I normally sit and there were lots of cars and trucks weaving around me that I had a hard time paying attention to everything at once. Luckily, I managed to focus well enough to get home safely.

The good news is, Branden is coming home right now so I won't have to drive his truck again tomorrow and I won't have to sleep all alone again. His dad shouldn't be getting any worse but he'll probably stay in the hospital until Wednesday. I told Branden that he should stay as long as he felt he needed to stay and I guess he feels like he needs to come home now. I won't lie, I desperately want him here, but I didn't tell him that. He should be home between 9:30 and 10 tonight.

*Side note* Holy crap! My horrid downstairs neighbors are being loud! Their TV is SUPER loud, they're yelling at each other and the kids and they keep slamming various doors, including their front door. Ugh! My whole apt is shaking!

Update On Branden's Dad

Branden has made it to Iowa and he says his dad is doing better than he had expected. The feeling on his right side comes and goes and his vision in his right eye is bad but he can move and he recognizes his family. He no longer thinks it's 1945 but he is confused about what day of the week is it... I told Branden that I wouldn't worry too much about that one since I get confused about weekdays without having had a stroke. They won't know a whole lot more until tomorrow when the doctor comes to check him again. For now they can only wait.

I am lonely. I don't really look forward to getting in bed all alone or coming home to an empty house tomorrow. We don't even know for sure when he'll be coming home.... And that makes me even more sad. I know it's selfish, I should be thinking about Branden and his dad but I'm here alone and he's there with his family and... I guess I am selfish. I haven't said to Branden that I want him to come back home or anything like that. I haven't told him how it worries me for him to be far away after he thoughtlessly announced to our horrid downstairs neighbor that he was going out of town for a few days and I'm going to be here alone. (Gee, thanks, Hun! Are you TRYING to get me raped or robbed?) I'm just hoping that things continue to improve and he will be home soon.

Branden's Dad Is In The Hospital

Branden's step-dad had a stroke last night. I don't know the whole story but I do know that he was in Iowa and either he was at a truck stop or he made it to a truck stop before things got too bad. He was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and he currently believes the year to be 1945. Also, even if he fully recovers, he probably won't be allowed to drive truck anymore.

Branden is on his way to Iowa right now. I had to talk him in to going because I'm very-not-good at driving his truck but it uses so much more gas than my car that he feels we wouldn't have been able to afford his taking the truck. I told him that I had $300 in savings and I was more than willing to take it out and hand it to him for gas money and if he wouldn't accept that I would get up SUPER early tomorrow and drive his truck VERY SLOWLY to my work. After he went driving with me the first time he decided there was NO chance he was going but I begged and cried a lot and he agreed to show me the best way to drive the truck and let me try again. I did better the second time so he felt he could go ahead and leave. In a way, it's good that he doesn't have a job yet because that was one less thing he needed to worry about.

I'll admit right now that I don't really know if I'll be able to drive that truck to work tomorrow, but I don't have any choice except to try. Worse than that, I feel SO alone right now. I want him there, and I know his mom needs him there, but he's pretty much the only friend I have out here. We don't know how long he'll be gone but the earliest he may come back is tomorrow. There is this selfish, desperate part of me that wishes I could have just let him say I am too bad at driving the truck and then left him alone so he'd still be here now... But nobody, including myself, would have been able to forgive me if Branden didn't go and his dad got worse or something.

So I practically forced him to go. I will be TERRIBLY lonely and worry about him constantly and cry a lot but I won't hate myself later or be to blame for his not being where he needs to be. I did what I had to do. I just hope everything works out ok.

The Rock Show

Last night Branden bought tickets to the Blink 182/Weezer concert. He did it because he knows I want to go... But I feel worried, and a little bad, that he did. This is hard to explain because I have really wanted to see Blink 182 since I found out that they reunited this past spring but... We don't have a lot of money and I don't think Branden is as interested as I am. Even though I didn't ask him to buy them, and even made a half-hearted attempt to talk him out of it, I feel a little guilty and selfish. We could probably use that money for something more important... Or more concrete.

At the same time, I'm pretty excited. The last time Blink 182 toured, I couldn't make it to the show and said to myself, "That's ok, I'll just go next time!" Then they decided to take a break for a few years. I've enjoyed some of the music they've released with other bands in the last few years, but I was beginning to think this break was going to be permanent. Thankfully, I was wrong. :) I suppose I should also mention that I've never managed to make it to a Weezer show so I'm looking forward to seeing them as well.

Branden is being extra nice because he's a big fan of country and I haven't ever gone to a single country concert for him. It's not that I haven't been willing, but things just never worked out. We were going to go to concerts in Wendover a couple times but lack of planning and bad weather prevented us from ever making it. It's not that we often go to concerts for me, but we have made it to a couple in the last two years. Guess that's the other reason I'm feeling a little guilty about this: He bought tickets to a show I wanna see and we've never gone to one for him. I guess I'd better make sure we make it to some shows of his choosing soon.