I Am Afraid Of Deer

I am afraid of deer. I had to admit to it tonight. They terrify me.

Every time I so much as see a deer within 100 feet of the side of the road I get all freaked out. I gasp and hyperventilate a bit and, if I'm not driving, I go so far as putting my hands over my face. While driving at night I am on constant look-out for deer. I get so tense watching that by the time I get home I'm exhausted. If Branden is the one driving, the best way I can relax is to close my eyes and try to think of being somewhere else.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from Ogden and was almost to the point going around Rockport Dam that I had been at when I hit the doe. I had decided to put the car in 4th gear and go no faster than 40-45MPH even though the speed limit is 55. I'm SO glad that I decided that because another doe- this one quite a bit larger and possibly pregnant- darted out in front of my car. I slammed on the breaks and missed her by INCHES. The whole 3-5 seconds that she was in front of my car all I could think was, "Oh, please, not again!" There's a good chance that I yelled/screamed it, too. I really think I had a small heart attack. I drove 25MPH most of the rest of the way home and saw two more deer that night. By the time I made it home I was worn out and my chest hurt.

Last month when I went to drop off the rent check there were three deer standing in front of our landlords' house. I parked three houses away and WALKED the rest of the way so I wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of one running into the road. Earlier this evening we went to drop off the rent check again. The same three deer were in front of the house, but we didn't see them until Branden was turning the car around so I could get out on the side of the house. When our headlights swept across them I panicked! Branden understands my fear to an extent, but just could not understand why I was hyperventilating when we were going about 2 MPH.

I don't fully understand it either. I hit the doe in the early morning when the sun was just up. I probably didn't even have the headlights on, though I honestly cannot remember if I did. Now, however, any time that my headlights even sweep across a deer I get all freaked out. Maybe it's BECAUSE I hit one in the light. I SAW her and I still hit her. In the dark I can't see them until there's a chance I'll hit them.

I just keep replaying the moment before I hit the doe over and over again in slow motion. It's kinda funny because when we drive past that spot it goes by so fast that it really does seem as if the whole incident had to have happened in slow motion anyway. And it seems a little blue in my head but that could either be a real memory of a road not quite brightened by the early morning sun or a cast that my brain has put over the memory now that I know the outcome. I'll never know. I only hope that someday I can relax a little more. Mabye when the snow melts I'll feel better...?