Thoughts After A Night Out With The Girls

This past week was exhausting to me. There were many times that I felt like I was dragging myself uphill through waist-deep mud and I just didn't want to keep moving. No matter how much sleep I got, it wasn't enough and I was feeling a lot of negative emotions. At the start of this new week, I feel a little better but I'm still somewhat bogged down. There were, however, a couple of bright spots. One was last night.

I work with a girl named Molly. She's 18-almost-19, sweet, funny and just an all-around nice girl. Sometimes I see that there's a HUGE difference in where she is and where I am, other times it's like we're the same age and laughing over something we both find funny. She's invited me to hang out with her and her friends a few times but I normally say no because I'd be so much older than everyone else. Yesterday she invited me to go see Dear John with them and I decided to go. It was so much fun! (And the movie wasn't bad, either, though it does drift away from the book fairly dramatically in some parts.) We giggled and chatted and for just a little while I was able to forget that I'm stressed about money, etc., and just have fun. I sometimes forget what it's like to just let things go. Molly's friends accepted me and we all just had a good time. I will very likely say yes a little more often now. :P

18 was SO long ago for me. I remember that I had worries then, but they were very different than the ones I have now. I was concerned that I'd never find a guy who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I never had a lot of money but I lived with my parents so it wasn't such a big deal. I was thinking about going to college and worried about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. And I was overwhelmed by the enormity of the decisions I was expected to make and the vast possibilities that lay before me. Part of me wishes to have THOSE stresses back.

On the other hand, I have a man who loves me and, even when we argue and things aren't going well, he wants to be by my side struggling together. School is behind me for now, I've made those choices and now I just have to make them work. My possibilities have been limited somewhat by those decisions but they aren't all gone by any means. Money stress will probably never go away but I have hope that it will get easier someday... At least I won't be stressing about how to pay for a wedding because that will come and go and, no matter how the wedding turns out, it's the marriage that actually matters. Someday I'll probably look back on 27 and think part of me wishes to just have these stresses. :P

I don't want to be 18/19 again but it sure was nice to FEEL that way again, if only for an evening.