"And I Know That We're Gonna Be Fine..."

Warning: This is a long and emotional post. Read at your own risk.

Today is my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom! I won't embarrass her by telling you her age. We'll just say that she's old enough to have me and three more older than I am... Plus all the younger ones. Sunday will be Father's Day so it seemed fitting that I write a blog about my parents.

A little over two years ago I was living alone in AZ and contemplating moving back to UT. At that time one of my favorite bands came out with a new album and a song called "When We Die" was on it. The first time I heard it, I cried and it can still bring me to tears. (Seriously, watch the whole video, though. It's so worth the tears and the rest of this blog will still be here when you return from blowing your nose.) My parents and I didn't have the worst relationship, but it was far from the best. Both of my parents have always been great about helping when I needed to move and the like but I had never been particularly close to either of them. My mom and I had fought a lot when I was living at home and even after I moved out there were days that I'd leave their house in a not-great mood. After hearing this song, I decided it was time for me to make an effort to get to know my parents- particularly my mom.

Obviously, I decided to move back to UT and after Branden and I settled into a house and I settled into a regular work schedule I started the process of getting to know my mom. My mom and I were both normally off of work on Mondays so it became a tradition that I make the hour-long drive to Ogden every week. There were a few times that I was snowed-in or was stuck having to work and a couple times I had car trouble, including the Monday that I hit a deer. But other than those few times, we've spent every Monday together for the last almost-two years... And it's worked.

Most of those Mondays we've been joined by Katie and little Joshie. Together we three women have enjoyed many a game of Rummikub and Skip-Bo and even more talks about life, children, relationships, books, movies and anything else that came up. I've learned of times that my mother stood up for me and I didn't know it, times that my mother cried, times that my parents fought- almost never in front of us- things that my mother decided to let go rather than fight about, things that my mother has been willing to endure for the good of her family and, though I technically always knew it, I've learned that my mother loves me A LOT. I was often spoiled on Mondays. And I was also often hugged.

When Branden lost his job, it was my mom who let me lose it for a little while and then helped me pull myself back together because she's been there. The help she'd given me in the past made it easier for me to bear losing my own job. When I just felt like I couldn't handle things anymore, it was my mom who helped me realize how much I could handle and what I could change because she's been there, as well. For twenty-five years I hardly knew this amazing woman and maybe I will never fully know her because I am her daughter, not her confidant, but I feel that I at least understand her so much better. The pieces of our relationship that were broken on the floor have been scooped up and formed into something new. It doesn't look like the relationship that might have been, but it's a beautiful thing nonetheless and I'm proud that we've created it together.

As for my dad, we were doing a little better than my mom and I were doing. Mostly what I needed to do was communicate with him as an adult. Listen to what he had to say, laugh with him, let him tell me his stories- even if I'd heard them many times before- and just show my appreciation for him. We don't have a relationship based on deep talks, but we do talk and I do listen. Mostly, though, I make sure I hug him. I love to hug my dad... It's not that I don't like to hug anyone else, but hugs from my dad are special. My mom once told me that they were not a very physically affectionate family before I came along. I am, apparently, one of the more physically affectionate people in my family. When I moved back, my dad told me that they missed my hugs almost as much as they missed me. So I never miss a chance to hug my parents. My dad is alone a lot while truck driving and I know he gets lonely. So I talk to him every time he calls and every time I have a minute and think to call him I make sure I do. But even more than that, I make sure that I ALWAYS hug him when I see him. My mom needs hugs but I think he may need them just a little bit more.

Now that I have taken the time to build something with my parents, it's going to be harder than ever to move away. I won't lie, I'm crying right now as I type this. We have phones and internet- my mom even signed up for a FaceBook account so we can all stay better connected- but it won't be the same. I will MISS seeing them every week. I will MISS hugging them. I will MISS... Them. I have to stop now because it's getting hard to see the screen. I just have one thing left to say: I love you, Mom and Dad and I'm so glad we had these last two years to get to know one another better.