*Warning* This post may seem whiny to some. I tried to make it a little less so, but let's face it, I'm being a bit of a baby right now... Just a warning.
This has been a super long month for me. Between the constant back-of-my-mind-nagging of wedding worry, a cat mess with our apt complex, some work drama and the extremely sudden loss of Chiquita, I thought I was too emotionally exhausted to even cry... And then I watched P.S. I Love You.
I didn't plan on watching it but it was on TV and there wasn't much else on and it's been a while since I've seen it so I turned it on. Not surprisingly, I cried. What is surprising is the AMOUNT I cried and that I'm still crying intermittently at random, stupid things. I seriously just got all teary-eyed watching The Best Thing I Ever Ate. I'm watching FOOD NETWORK and getting teary!
See, it's not all the big stresses that are getting to me right now. Yes, there's still work drama, yes, there's still wedding worry and, yes, I lost someone I really respected this week. But really, all the little things in life have piled on as well and it's just coming out: stupid arguments, stupid customers, stupid cars, stupid money worries, stupid everything. So tonight I guess I'm having a few good cries and I'll probably feel better for it in the long run.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
"May Angels Lead You In..."
The head baker at my work died today.
It seems unreal. Last night she called in to work because she wasn't feeling well, this morning it was too late to do anything for her. She had an aneurysm that ruptured. I saw her Friday morning and she was fine. Nobody knew. It's what I kept coming back to all day: nobody knew.
I rarely saw Chiquita for more than ten minutes at a time. She was usually getting off work when I was coming in but she always took the time greet me. She was the first person to show me around the bakery and she got me freezer gloves so my hands wouldn't be cold. She knew places to find ingredients in St. Louis and did her best to help me when I needed to find something. She remembered problems I was having and asked how I was doing with them. And she made me laugh. We didn't spend much time together in the seven months I've worked there but I know she was a good person and she will be missed by many.
It's so strange to me how just yesterday I spoke of her in the present and now everything is in the past tense... How quickly and unexpectedly life changes. Times like these make you realize how much of life we take for granted. Branden's at work and I won't see him until after midnight but I've still made sure I've told him over and over how much I love him. A very wise woman once told me to always tell your husband that you love him at the end of every phone conversation, every time you go to bed, every time one of you is leaving the house,etc.,- even if you're mad- because you never know when it'll be the last time. Kazia, I always have and I always will. Today, more than ever, I appreciate your wisdom.
I hope that each of you will do me- and yourselves- a favor as soon as possible: Tell your spouse, children, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and any other loved ones that you love them. Let the people you care about know that they are loved and appreciated. You'll never regret it.
It seems unreal. Last night she called in to work because she wasn't feeling well, this morning it was too late to do anything for her. She had an aneurysm that ruptured. I saw her Friday morning and she was fine. Nobody knew. It's what I kept coming back to all day: nobody knew.
I rarely saw Chiquita for more than ten minutes at a time. She was usually getting off work when I was coming in but she always took the time greet me. She was the first person to show me around the bakery and she got me freezer gloves so my hands wouldn't be cold. She knew places to find ingredients in St. Louis and did her best to help me when I needed to find something. She remembered problems I was having and asked how I was doing with them. And she made me laugh. We didn't spend much time together in the seven months I've worked there but I know she was a good person and she will be missed by many.
It's so strange to me how just yesterday I spoke of her in the present and now everything is in the past tense... How quickly and unexpectedly life changes. Times like these make you realize how much of life we take for granted. Branden's at work and I won't see him until after midnight but I've still made sure I've told him over and over how much I love him. A very wise woman once told me to always tell your husband that you love him at the end of every phone conversation, every time you go to bed, every time one of you is leaving the house,etc.,- even if you're mad- because you never know when it'll be the last time. Kazia, I always have and I always will. Today, more than ever, I appreciate your wisdom.
I hope that each of you will do me- and yourselves- a favor as soon as possible: Tell your spouse, children, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and any other loved ones that you love them. Let the people you care about know that they are loved and appreciated. You'll never regret it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A Small Pocket Of Fear In My Stomach
Today I started something that cannot be undone. I have every right to do what I'm doing- even every legal right- but I'm a little... Worried. This is bigger than anything I've ever done/dealt with before. This could all be over in the next week and some, but it's unlikely. It would be unwise for me to post on here exactly what is going on but I will most likely post details when/if things are settled. A small part of me wants to run away but... It's too late and I SHOULDN'T run away. For now, just keep me in your thoughts and send me the strength to stand on my own if need be.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thoughts After A Night Out With The Girls
This past week was exhausting to me. There were many times that I felt like I was dragging myself uphill through waist-deep mud and I just didn't want to keep moving. No matter how much sleep I got, it wasn't enough and I was feeling a lot of negative emotions. At the start of this new week, I feel a little better but I'm still somewhat bogged down. There were, however, a couple of bright spots. One was last night.
I work with a girl named Molly. She's 18-almost-19, sweet, funny and just an all-around nice girl. Sometimes I see that there's a HUGE difference in where she is and where I am, other times it's like we're the same age and laughing over something we both find funny. She's invited me to hang out with her and her friends a few times but I normally say no because I'd be so much older than everyone else. Yesterday she invited me to go see Dear John with them and I decided to go. It was so much fun! (And the movie wasn't bad, either, though it does drift away from the book fairly dramatically in some parts.) We giggled and chatted and for just a little while I was able to forget that I'm stressed about money, etc., and just have fun. I sometimes forget what it's like to just let things go. Molly's friends accepted me and we all just had a good time. I will very likely say yes a little more often now. :P
18 was SO long ago for me. I remember that I had worries then, but they were very different than the ones I have now. I was concerned that I'd never find a guy who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I never had a lot of money but I lived with my parents so it wasn't such a big deal. I was thinking about going to college and worried about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. And I was overwhelmed by the enormity of the decisions I was expected to make and the vast possibilities that lay before me. Part of me wishes to have THOSE stresses back.
On the other hand, I have a man who loves me and, even when we argue and things aren't going well, he wants to be by my side struggling together. School is behind me for now, I've made those choices and now I just have to make them work. My possibilities have been limited somewhat by those decisions but they aren't all gone by any means. Money stress will probably never go away but I have hope that it will get easier someday... At least I won't be stressing about how to pay for a wedding because that will come and go and, no matter how the wedding turns out, it's the marriage that actually matters. Someday I'll probably look back on 27 and think part of me wishes to just have these stresses. :P
I don't want to be 18/19 again but it sure was nice to FEEL that way again, if only for an evening.
I work with a girl named Molly. She's 18-almost-19, sweet, funny and just an all-around nice girl. Sometimes I see that there's a HUGE difference in where she is and where I am, other times it's like we're the same age and laughing over something we both find funny. She's invited me to hang out with her and her friends a few times but I normally say no because I'd be so much older than everyone else. Yesterday she invited me to go see Dear John with them and I decided to go. It was so much fun! (And the movie wasn't bad, either, though it does drift away from the book fairly dramatically in some parts.) We giggled and chatted and for just a little while I was able to forget that I'm stressed about money, etc., and just have fun. I sometimes forget what it's like to just let things go. Molly's friends accepted me and we all just had a good time. I will very likely say yes a little more often now. :P
18 was SO long ago for me. I remember that I had worries then, but they were very different than the ones I have now. I was concerned that I'd never find a guy who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I never had a lot of money but I lived with my parents so it wasn't such a big deal. I was thinking about going to college and worried about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. And I was overwhelmed by the enormity of the decisions I was expected to make and the vast possibilities that lay before me. Part of me wishes to have THOSE stresses back.
On the other hand, I have a man who loves me and, even when we argue and things aren't going well, he wants to be by my side struggling together. School is behind me for now, I've made those choices and now I just have to make them work. My possibilities have been limited somewhat by those decisions but they aren't all gone by any means. Money stress will probably never go away but I have hope that it will get easier someday... At least I won't be stressing about how to pay for a wedding because that will come and go and, no matter how the wedding turns out, it's the marriage that actually matters. Someday I'll probably look back on 27 and think part of me wishes to just have these stresses. :P
I don't want to be 18/19 again but it sure was nice to FEEL that way again, if only for an evening.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
We Are In Need Of Your Assistance
I have FINALLY gotten Branden to agree to moving the wedding and reception out of Park City and into Salt Lake and/or Ogden. This is good news for all involved because it means less or, at least, more convenient travel.
Here's the problem, we had an idea of where we were going to do things in the Park City area and we now have many new possibilities opened up to us... Frankly, it's a bit overwhelming. Branden wants to keep the option of having some of our celebrations outside and I'm not opposed so long as we have back-up plans. Whether or not we do anything outside, we need either one site that we can have for a good portion of the day/evening or two sites that we can easily travel between... This is where your help would be greatly appreciated.
At this point, we expect to cover expenses ourselves so the site(s) MUST be inexpensive. We aren't planning on hiring a caterer so any site that requires one is out. Please, please, please help us think out of the box to find something we can afford. We want our wedding to be almost casual- we were looking in to potentially having the ceremony at a nice campsite- so even if it's not a typical wedding venue, throw it out there and we'll see what we can do with it. Thanks in advance for your help!
Here's the problem, we had an idea of where we were going to do things in the Park City area and we now have many new possibilities opened up to us... Frankly, it's a bit overwhelming. Branden wants to keep the option of having some of our celebrations outside and I'm not opposed so long as we have back-up plans. Whether or not we do anything outside, we need either one site that we can have for a good portion of the day/evening or two sites that we can easily travel between... This is where your help would be greatly appreciated.
At this point, we expect to cover expenses ourselves so the site(s) MUST be inexpensive. We aren't planning on hiring a caterer so any site that requires one is out. Please, please, please help us think out of the box to find something we can afford. We want our wedding to be almost casual- we were looking in to potentially having the ceremony at a nice campsite- so even if it's not a typical wedding venue, throw it out there and we'll see what we can do with it. Thanks in advance for your help!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
City Museum Pictures
Yes, these are about a month old but... At least I got them up. These are less than half of the pictures we took and you're going to see just a TINY portion of this amazing museum but maybe it'll prompt some visits to St. Louis someday and I'll get to see you! :) This is part of what you'll see when you walk in:
City Museum is NOT for the claustrophobic.
Yeah, I'm about to follow Branden through that.
You can't see it here, but I'm panicking in this pic.
I'm still in the hole and the panic isn't actually gone yet.
I SURVIVED! Panic is behind me.
And I'm dumb enough to crawl through something else.
Almost there!
I was not stupid enough to try to fit through here...
But Branden squeezed his skinny behind through.
You'll see it... Just keep looking
Umm... I can't fit through that.
Sometimes I wish he was fat.
Oh, a SLIDE!... You'll see.
Do I dare?
Yes, I do!
We're going ALL the way up!
This is a light on the way up... It's a dark climb.
About half-way up
Gotta take a break. We're climbing something like 12 stories of spiral staircases.
Looking down from the top.
You've GOT to try this slide!
Did I mention that there's an aquarium there as well? I'm letting doctor fish nibble on my fingers.
Holding hands in the doctor fish tank.
Branden visiting his friend the rabbit.
Hello from inside the fish tank!
Swimmin' with the fishes!
Branden inside the dive suit.
Me, too!
Ok, now you've seen a little. Come visit me and I'll show you the rest! :)Saturday, January 30, 2010
Finally Getting Insurance!
As of February 1st I will have health insurance. :) I've been trying to get insurance since October which is when the paperwork I was given at orientation says I should have had insurance. Apparently I was given old paperwork but, as I had no other information to go on, that was what I expected to receive. After MONTHS of calling people and essentially harassing my boss I finally have results!
Wednesday I phoned the last woman I had talked to and she gave me the good news. Thursday I received the insurance packet in the mail. I filled out the required information and will be returning it to my work on Monday. Today I received my insurance card in the mail. After all that, it certainly didn't take them long to get everything set up!
I'm actually excited to go to the doctor because I'll be able to talk to him/her about getting ready to have kids. :)
Wednesday I phoned the last woman I had talked to and she gave me the good news. Thursday I received the insurance packet in the mail. I filled out the required information and will be returning it to my work on Monday. Today I received my insurance card in the mail. After all that, it certainly didn't take them long to get everything set up!
I'm actually excited to go to the doctor because I'll be able to talk to him/her about getting ready to have kids. :)
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Helping My Mom
Today I helped my mom with her Facebook and her blog. We didn't get a lot done as far as the blog goes but we did make some improvements on her Facebook. :) Oddly enough, it was actually fun for me to help her. We talked and laughed- I will admit that I laughed more than she did but it's not because I was laughing AT her- and I think she feels better about things.
To be honest, Mom wasn't hard to teach. I know she feels like she just doesn't get it but I think she's just overwhelmed. I've spent many years now using the internet and writing blogs but I remember feeling a little overwhelmed at first. I think she just needs some time to get comfortable with it and she'll actually be just fine. So, to aid her in that, we have decided that I will call every weekend and we will spend a little time each week working on her computer and I will guide her as best I can from 1300 miles away.
Of course, we won't JUST work on her computer. It's a good time for us to talk a catch up a little. I'm looking forward to a little time with my mom. :)
To be honest, Mom wasn't hard to teach. I know she feels like she just doesn't get it but I think she's just overwhelmed. I've spent many years now using the internet and writing blogs but I remember feeling a little overwhelmed at first. I think she just needs some time to get comfortable with it and she'll actually be just fine. So, to aid her in that, we have decided that I will call every weekend and we will spend a little time each week working on her computer and I will guide her as best I can from 1300 miles away.
Of course, we won't JUST work on her computer. It's a good time for us to talk a catch up a little. I'm looking forward to a little time with my mom. :)
Friday, January 22, 2010
"Did You Say Something?"
A few weeks ago, Branden and I went to the City Museum. I know I promised pictures and I will deliver but I was reminded of this today and want to tell the story. :P
There was a cute little boy- he couldn't have been more than 18 months- running around and giggling. Branden points out cute kids to me all the time and this time was no exception. As we're watching Branden says, "I want a baby." I, of course, agreed with him and we moved on in the museum. Later that same little boy came running by and Branden turned to me and said, "Did you say something?" "No," I replied, "but I think my uterus may have."
I am so glad to be with a man who not only wants children, but isn't shy about expressing that desire. I love that he sees all the cute babies and points them out to me. It makes me happy when he tells me that a little boy toddling around makes him look forward to the future. I appreciate that I can show him a picture of a cute little kid and he doesn't blow me off as just being a woman. Obviously, he's not the only man like this in the world but that doesn't make me feel any less happy that I have found one who shares my dreams of raising a family.
There was a cute little boy- he couldn't have been more than 18 months- running around and giggling. Branden points out cute kids to me all the time and this time was no exception. As we're watching Branden says, "I want a baby." I, of course, agreed with him and we moved on in the museum. Later that same little boy came running by and Branden turned to me and said, "Did you say something?" "No," I replied, "but I think my uterus may have."
I am so glad to be with a man who not only wants children, but isn't shy about expressing that desire. I love that he sees all the cute babies and points them out to me. It makes me happy when he tells me that a little boy toddling around makes him look forward to the future. I appreciate that I can show him a picture of a cute little kid and he doesn't blow me off as just being a woman. Obviously, he's not the only man like this in the world but that doesn't make me feel any less happy that I have found one who shares my dreams of raising a family.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
New Clothes
I came to a realization a couple months ago that all of my clothes are falling apart and I can't really afford to replace them. When I say all I mean ALL layers of clothing were in various states of falling apart. I received two pairs of jeans for Christmas last year which have held up pretty well. Other than those and a couple of dressier shirts I was starting to look a bit ragged... Everywhere.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I try to take care of my clothes and I can sew in patches and replace buttons, etc., but there's just nothing I can do to prevent normal wear and tear... Unless I stopped wearing them but I'm quite certain that it's illegal to go in public naked. I have put off buying new clothing for many reasons but the main reason was simply lack of funds. Branden was essentially unemployed for 51 weeks and I was unemployed for a couple months and even though we are (finally) both employed again we just couldn't afford the luxury of just buying new clothing. Enter Christmas.
I never know what to ask for but this year was easier because I needed clothes. I have a wonderful family and fiance who came through for me. First, Katie took me shopping while I was visiting in November and I got to discover the excitement of Target clearance and the surprising finds at Wal-Mart. It doesn't hurt that Katie is pretty much an expert shopper who can find things other people miss and we spent under $30 (maybe even under $20, though I can't remember for sure) and got me four new shirts. Then my mom sent me a new shirt and a gift card to Lane Bryant from her and Dad. I haven't been able to use the card but the shirt was a little too big so went to exchange it and managed to get TWO shirts for just over the cost of the one!
Best of all, just before Christmas Branden took me to Lane Bryant and let me get TWO new bras and some cute new panties. Then he gave me a gift card to Victoria's Secret and took me to the semi-annual sale to get more bras. I don't think I can describe to you the state of my old bras in words expressive enough to convey how terrible they were. I didn't even know how terrible they actually were until I was trying on new ones! I mean, I knew the elastic was pretty well gone and there wasn't much shape or support left in them. I knew that my bra straps were constantly falling down and that if both straps slipped then my entire bra would begin to work its way down my body. I knew that I had re-attached both straps on two of my bras multiple times. BUT I still didn't realize how bad they were until I saw how GOOD things could be.
This may be TMI so if you wanna skip this paragraph you can. With my new bras, I look like I have breasts again! I'm not very big in the breast area, though I'm plenty big in the butt and thigh area. I didn't think I had enough to sag- I really don't- but I didn't realize the difference between no shaping with no support and a little shaping with lots of support. I've never had cleavage, EVER. One of my new bras ALMOST gives me cleavage. I've gone years with padding-free bras and been proud of myself for that but I did buy that one bra with a little padding to push things up and I cannot stop staring at my almost-cleavage when I'm wearing it! I have nice breasts again! Poor Branden gets to deal with me saying, "Look at my breasts! I have such nice breasts," over and over and over. At least he's smart enough to agree. :P
Between the new underthings and a few new, more feminine shirts I feel like a new person! I no longer have to look shabby and I have a few tips from Katie to help me buy a few more shirts on my own. Yes, I'm still wearing jeans and, essentially, t-shirts but I've learned to layer a few things and choose some shirts with some interesting accents and necklines which look even better now that I have proper bras. Thank you Katie, Branden, Mom and Dad for helping me look a little more like a woman and a little less like a slob... I love you and needed this more than any of you may know.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I try to take care of my clothes and I can sew in patches and replace buttons, etc., but there's just nothing I can do to prevent normal wear and tear... Unless I stopped wearing them but I'm quite certain that it's illegal to go in public naked. I have put off buying new clothing for many reasons but the main reason was simply lack of funds. Branden was essentially unemployed for 51 weeks and I was unemployed for a couple months and even though we are (finally) both employed again we just couldn't afford the luxury of just buying new clothing. Enter Christmas.
I never know what to ask for but this year was easier because I needed clothes. I have a wonderful family and fiance who came through for me. First, Katie took me shopping while I was visiting in November and I got to discover the excitement of Target clearance and the surprising finds at Wal-Mart. It doesn't hurt that Katie is pretty much an expert shopper who can find things other people miss and we spent under $30 (maybe even under $20, though I can't remember for sure) and got me four new shirts. Then my mom sent me a new shirt and a gift card to Lane Bryant from her and Dad. I haven't been able to use the card but the shirt was a little too big so went to exchange it and managed to get TWO shirts for just over the cost of the one!
Best of all, just before Christmas Branden took me to Lane Bryant and let me get TWO new bras and some cute new panties. Then he gave me a gift card to Victoria's Secret and took me to the semi-annual sale to get more bras. I don't think I can describe to you the state of my old bras in words expressive enough to convey how terrible they were. I didn't even know how terrible they actually were until I was trying on new ones! I mean, I knew the elastic was pretty well gone and there wasn't much shape or support left in them. I knew that my bra straps were constantly falling down and that if both straps slipped then my entire bra would begin to work its way down my body. I knew that I had re-attached both straps on two of my bras multiple times. BUT I still didn't realize how bad they were until I saw how GOOD things could be.
This may be TMI so if you wanna skip this paragraph you can. With my new bras, I look like I have breasts again! I'm not very big in the breast area, though I'm plenty big in the butt and thigh area. I didn't think I had enough to sag- I really don't- but I didn't realize the difference between no shaping with no support and a little shaping with lots of support. I've never had cleavage, EVER. One of my new bras ALMOST gives me cleavage. I've gone years with padding-free bras and been proud of myself for that but I did buy that one bra with a little padding to push things up and I cannot stop staring at my almost-cleavage when I'm wearing it! I have nice breasts again! Poor Branden gets to deal with me saying, "Look at my breasts! I have such nice breasts," over and over and over. At least he's smart enough to agree. :P
Between the new underthings and a few new, more feminine shirts I feel like a new person! I no longer have to look shabby and I have a few tips from Katie to help me buy a few more shirts on my own. Yes, I'm still wearing jeans and, essentially, t-shirts but I've learned to layer a few things and choose some shirts with some interesting accents and necklines which look even better now that I have proper bras. Thank you Katie, Branden, Mom and Dad for helping me look a little more like a woman and a little less like a slob... I love you and needed this more than any of you may know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)