Hitting A Low Point... But Still Surviving

I hit a bit of a low point last night. Rent is due on October 1st. I get paid tomorrow and I've held onto my last paycheck so I have enough money to pay rent. BUT I did my math wrong because I thought that after I paid rent we'd have about $150 left over and we're only going to have $50-ish left over. I can't deny that I cried a bit when I realized that. Thankfully Branden pointed out that I actually get paid again ON October 1st so if there's a reason we NEED a little more than $50 in the next week or so I'll still have money to pay rent. It's not the ideal situation, and I'll do everything I can to not use these two checks for anything but rent, but at least we're not as destitute as I was feeling.

To be honest, this is a bit of a low point in my adult financial life. Many times in the past I have felt that I have never been worse off than I was at that moment... Only to be worse off later. Last week Branden checked and we are eligible for $50-$60 of food stamps. I'm pretty sure we will not be taking advantage of that- I HOPE we won't need to- but it's still a bit of a shock. I've never, in my adult life, been eligible for food stamps. Even though I am not homeless and even though I am managing- just barely- to pay bills and keep us fed, this is really and truly the worst off I have been so far.

When I don't think about it too much, when I just keep going and doing what I need to do, I don't panic. We have food storage, we have a chest freezer with some meat and food in it, we have a bed to sleep in, a roof over our heads and I just wrote out the (not-going-to-bounce) check for the internet bill so we'll have that for at least another month. (I should also mention that I paid the gas and power bills as well so we'll be able to take hot showers and use the internet I paid for.) We are a lot better off than some. I have a job and I get paid every week so, even though it's scary- and I HATE living from paycheck to paycheck- I know that the longest we'll go without money is one week.

I could have never supported us on my income alone when we lived in UT. Our bills were hundreds of dollars more than they are here. Branden will get a job soon. I have to believe that it will happen. Because when I let myself think he won't, and when I let myself feel the enormity of supporting both of us with no plan and no changes on the horizon, and when I think about the money we aren't managing to save for our wedding, I cry.... And I panic and I forget all the things we are managing to do. So yes, I have hit a low point. Today I am going to go to the zoo- which is free!- and I'll have a good day anyway.